05-01-10

Lifelines

 

levenslijn,rodedraad,identiteitscrisis

 

 

 

 

Ties needing to be purified

 

It was in those days of the Vietnam war, where the seemingly strongest army in the world destroyed the daily life of the Vietnamese people. End of the fifties of the 20th century that process already started, you know the age when the Belgians build their Atomium in Brussels, that was to become the capital of Europe. Observer followed basic school. The ruins of the war were cleaned up and mainly there was a strange silence about that war. The traditional religious education and what happened in the times of the old Roman empire were more important in school then what had happened a decade ago. Observer found some of those ancient stories quite good for a part, but there were things missing in them or not correct. He wanted to give the old culture some credit, but he liked most searching for his own truth, while with his eyes a bit closed he watched the sun penetrating the window of the classrooms he spend the first part of his life partly in…he loved that bundle of rays penetrating his subjective world that looked for connections with the objective realities around him. The message that religion seemed to have, was that a human being had to be almost perfect, like if that mister God did not tolerate imperfection…wasn’t it the other way round sometimes ? He Himself, ‘God’, did not tolerate imperfection. One could not point a finger at his shortcomings : eternally good, eternally charitable, eternal this and that.

How could this be ? Everything came to an end, every school day, every live. Nobody understand the meaning of it all. One could not go to deep into this, one had to obtain points to pass each year to the next study year. There were the friends in the village and school, family…just making one’s way into life, the ‘practical’ life was one part of existence. The connection between life and dead; wasn’t that something for priests ? The score of ‘who owns what, was kept by the office of notary. The state of being ill or not was the task of doctors and pharmacists.

Who that was entitled on having a job or income, was a cause for politicians and companies; or with a bit of luck one had his own little independent occupation. But in what condition one’s soul life was, not calculating the former things in this condition, independent from material things (if that was by any means possible), was one’s own concern, measurable by the fact of feeling happy now and then and doing what one was doing and doing it with the people one liked. Not a lot of people were able to look in to their own soul or even less in the souls of others. One could share one’s soul life with someone, but it sometimes led to complications one had to understand again and again…because of the fact that the past of everyone, even before one was born, seemed to be continuously looking for a way to purify itself. The past was working it’ s way through the present regardless of the distance one was able take towards that past . So it seemed that over the border of dead things in the past and present were influenced by both ‘stories’.

As a little boy, Observer stood with his grandmother near the bed where Huske’s wife was dying, an old bent little farmer with almost a dozen children. Observer’s mother went to give the cows of her father in law to drink on the farmyard of Huske and Marieke it was, if Observer remembered her name correctly. The wife of Huske, yes indeed it was Marieke, was a soft one. As pipe smoking Huske often walked with his hands behind his back on the street, he used to tell Huske something funny sometimes. Much reason to laugh he hadn’t if one knew what troubles he had with his children and those ones with theirs. Observer didn’t knew at the time that it is not because someone seems happy and tells funny stories, that he is very happy and wise and has had a life where nothing was to blame him or her.

Without knowing it, there at that bed of the dying Marieke, (or, wait a minute, was it Huske ?) he stood at the beginning of a long journey through human psyche. The sister of Huske would be, or in fact already was (can be important energetically spoken) the grandmother of the later wife of Observer. The first child from Bertha, so Observer heard, the sister of Huske, was not from her later husband with whom she would have another 3 children…this could explain the later unrest in relations between that first son of Bertha and the other children. Dough being pregnant from another man, Livine married Bertha any way…so Bertha married into the same family name as Observer had. Al dough Livine was not closely genetic related to the boy who was going to have 3 children with the daughter of his second son.

The first ‘love’ Observer would have, was 18 and then 3 year older than him and under the tones of one of those to melancholic and emotional tango-songs, he would feel his Willy’s urge on reacting on their movements. The young woman was a the daughter of the first son of Bertha (Huske’s sister remember, Huske the man with a dozen children in a house to small). Observer thought about that day when his grandmother Clothilde and his mother and he as a little boy stood around the bed of the then dying person when they came to get water for the cattle…can the software of energies who died, still have an influence on events over generations ? Or was it their ‘God’ where practically almost alone the priest talked about, that was busy trying to write a scenario to give the past away rest and some of the living one’s happiness and conflicts as well to purify the past ? Or wasn’t every move one and didn’t the living in the present ones just played the roles whom they simply had to play because of their character and inner being; the roles which they played accordingly to their own nature and that of the ones who proceeded them maybe for a large part were their own fate.

Can one take over energy from someone who is dying and can that energy become part of yours ? He did not knew it yet, but on all his conscious and unconscious questions he would get an answer one day. Why did Observer’s mother stood by that bed of that little old bony old lady…because the fact that his mother also had a nephew and niece with a hump like Huske ? A child of Huske’s son had a water on the brain head like the sister of a women Observer would meet later on, after his divorce. Why would his mother also would end with legs she could not bent or spread anymore because off the hard working in her life ? Maybe the latter was too far away from making useful comparisons or connections, but there were remarkable observations to be made in life. Did one carry partly the same fate as certain with the partly the same features and if one was too compassionate one would get too involved with these developments…adding them to a part of the fate of others in one’s environment ? The Church preached to have compassion…but taking all the burdens from the ones who suffer in any way, without giving them the change to accept the truth of their lives and growing more on their own strength…was that kind of philosophy preferable to keeping a distance from genetic obstructions and looking for stronger partners in life ?

In the bus on a voyage with the youth movement followed the giving hands and feeling with Gaby, (ga-go-pass-by) the niece of Huske. In fact Observer found her legs a bit too large. They forgot each other’s first experiments and the sympathetic women not long afterwards, married an even cheerful man as Huske. In Huske’s genetic baggage or in that of his women or their ancestors, there is a gene present that gives children a water head or a leg tat is a bit to small or great or a hump. Huske’s grandchild had a water head and a niece of his a leg that was shorter as the other. It was not clear to Observer, from what he was been told, if the boy with the water head was intelligent…so why was he put in an institution, because off his appearance ? The man with the large head did not have a long life. Another family member of Huske was called heshe, because it was not sure which sexuality heshe had, strong as a man, but officially a women.

Huske’s sister Bertha married when she was pregnant of who know who ? It was, like mentioned before, someone with the same family name as Observer, but not closely related, the later grandfather of Observers wife on the family side of her father. That altruistic man took the change of sharing partly the genetic risks involved in marrying Bertha and taking care of her first son that wasn’t his. The grandfather of Observer, on his father’ s side, played a mediating role in this marriage. In the village where they lived he was known to conciliate people with relation problems, or not seldom was he called in to help resolve quarrels between people or lay the dead off. “You are going to have a good wife, never mind if she is a bit in panic because off the fact that she is pregnant already”, he said both to the real or unreal fathers. That was where that bible was partly about, wasn’t it ? The holy Mary was pregnant of the holy Ghost (no child comes in too this world without a reason)…and Joseph accepted responsibility.

So, after a few platonic loves, Observer , still a virgin at 16, went to engage himself with the after niece of Huske. She did not have her ‘flower’ any more, he felt while penetrating while sitting on him in that chair in her room and watching her intensively on his first ‘visit’ in her not so sacred place. He did not meet the resistance that was mentioned in biological books while she let herself downwards. She couldn’t have met a better boy to understand the situation, he did not care so much about it when she said to him that she had not done it with another boy…some women lose their hymen (hey men-joke) riding on a horse for example, he had read somewhere and told so…much to the satisfaction off his girlfriend. Observer did not yet know what jealousy was and his girl, Traum, had a Trauma, which she was trying to hide, because the next time they met she told him a story about some blood stains she found in her underwear. He had smiled with her explanation…and he should not have…because it would hunt her , not him the rest of her life.

She searched and found a way to tell him what her father Selfish had done with her…without telling the complete story around it. It seemed unimaginable to him that a father could do such a thing, that such a thing could exist…so he pushed it away as one does with stories one does not like. Only a years later he would realize what an enormous and gigantic task life had given to him. What a pain full situation it must have been for her, being involved in a physical love triangle with one’s parents. Listening at night how he did ‘it’ with her mother as well in the room with one wall in between. Trying to attract attention in an abnormal way and learning how to lie, one can learn quick in life. Observer did not understand in those days why people told lies to each other. How was she to escape from the feeling of being ‘less’ than other children ? By behaving a bit like boys between girls ? People, children can push away to their unconsciousness some things in life, with the risk that that what not came in too an open discussion with the originators of malicious deeds, can become too heavy to carry in life. Difficult side consequences started to build up because the victim, Traum(a) in a certain way, could not make a difference between her father and an innocent man, Observer in her case…he was a man as well and man do terrible things. Unsolved emotions destroy a lot in lives…whether a girl keeps on cultivating a guilty feeling towards her mother and allows her to dominate her or whether other examples of adults or children who are dominated by sex without mutual agreement. Our culture does not realize enough that a great deal of suffering and even disease, is the consequence of generation stories seeking to be purified by stronger blood, steadfast attitudes…in order to overcome weakening frustrations.

Observer was a good lad, with an important degree of softness inside, bold as he could be in other situations. He was often trying to live himself in in to how other people were. This capacity of his was so enormous, that he, as a boy, let a ten year older man do things with him, he himself as being so young, was not attracted to. This maybe was the reason why he and Trauma understood each other and could talk about this for a while, before they pushed this issue away from them as ‘resolved’. Trauma would convey her secret after Observer told his. They both seemed to have put those stories about the genetic and educational sad things behind them, but in fact they kept on infiltrating. The shadow of the past was so big, also because of the story of Trauma’s mother her parents and their past. The father of her mother had married her after she got pregnant after a rape…so also in this case that father (which was a cousin of her mother) had started off in the same way in a marriage as Trauma’s grandfather on her father’s side had). The funny, but not so funny thing is that that grandfather (Livine) his son would end up marrying a wife whose father was in the same case, as explained. Why things happen according to those strange rules ? Why did Observers mother in law and all the brother and sisters the cousin and his niece had in that (also) to little house…did not show more respect for the decision of their father to help his niece…maybe to show that man that one does not have to have too much compassion as to where those wrongly called ‘love’-things are concerned. Idealism and romance and poetry…and so on …values Observer tried to hold high…live did not always seem to use or follow these paths alone.
To be continued in every day life.

 

Love and the spiritual world

 

The spiritual world, one cannot understand by dogma’s alone
We have a lot of love inside us. When love often has been undergoing some painful tests and we still try to understand the reasons why people sometimes don’t get the real meaning of certain situations in a relationship and we keep on continuing trying to raise their understanding about the way life works…then there really is a spiritual connection between people, a thousand links to our daily lives and those of the ones before us.
What is that love and were does it come from ? Should one continue the relationship (s) or not ? Sometimes one has no choice, because the other side wants to stop the relationship partly or complete. Even if one does not continue to meet each other, relationships of all kind continue; most of the time it isn’t even clearly noticed by the different degrees of consciousness. You probably know about the moments when you can reach a high level of communication or contact with someone. One even does not have to fall in love with them in each way. It’s a strange thing that one can lose one’ s love for someone and if one is lucky friendship and respect remain to chase away the nasty thoughts and images the darker side of the beloved provoked. The darker side is all about the unsolved heritages of the past and the ones one added to them in responding from the same or other situations. When one touches the real nerve of the condition of someone, that someone begins to defend some cultural or personal dogma’s that not always correspond with the truth about someone’s roots. (Listen to both words, ‘truth’ and ‘root’…they have a lot in common.) Each time, in each area other words are used to enlighten bits of what life is about. One only can talk about the practical things of life and add some humor while maintaining the relationships that need no digging in too one’s soul. But when the discovery of one’s soul happens spontaneously, another approach becomes necessary. The sentence ‘ one has got to know one ‘s self’, is often used and clearly this passes through others; this can become a very intensive process with a lot of avoidable and not avoidable consequences…for better and for worse. One can chose for a celibate life, like for example priest do, or one can chose to find out what the soul of a woman or a man really contributes in discovering what life and your life is all about. Each kind of relationship, whether as a colleague, a child, parents, grandparents, friends, lovers…invites us to really understand the different meanings of life. In the case of lovers, what are they really searching for next to the pleasant things body-contact can offer and not feeling alone ? When spiritually connected people can overcome their negative emotions their fingers become like camera’s reading each other cells…surely an almost ideal situation…making love with a lot of concentration and understanding how to really activate each other’ s body…and soul in a spiritual way…but it isn’t a guarantee that things work out all right, because of the karma who preceded that kind of relationship isn’t understood or one does not dare to understand. This can cause a lot of troubles…and indeed if there are other family members involved on both sides and if one tries to please everyone without understanding in which situation they find themselves in. It isn’t easy trying to tell other people what to do…especially if they aren’t ready for it, or if they are too stubborn. Also, when the relationship with ancestors and others isn’t understood it can become difficult to unwind the wires.
Like in the telecom connections in the boxes on our streets there are certain connections between people and they get disturbed when things in our live occur that shouldn’t have happened to avoid complications, but in a lot of cases things couldn’t haven’t gone in another way. We experience things and we forget things, but when we reach the deep truth about a lot, we can tend to push it away, with a feeling of missing something as a consequence or we can try not forgetting the lessons and their feeling anymore and carrying it as a power in our consciousness…thus telepathically influencing things positively, all dough that SEEMS not to be the case sometimes. We cannot play ‘God’, but we can near the divine energy that make things happen mostly in an unconscious way. People who are aware of this should not try to escape by means of believing superstition or using unnecessary pills that burry a part of their body and soul and prevent a contact with their spiritual inner communication or dialogues which they could have had if they had overcome themselves and others. Often they cut ties with the one who really cared lots and lots about them, because the confrontation with their roots was to heavy emotionally loaded for them. Then they have the choice to enjoy life in a way they can handle, but in many case they make it worse. Sometimes the more distance one keeps after finishing a relationship or turning it in to friendship (if still possible), the better it will go with oneself or the other…if this means that one of the two for example will not take some medicine any more, the longing for the one he or she had to miss can come back and if that person is lucky she or he will not have to repeat the same road with more suffering then joy. Suffering surely will come when one discovers one has lost someone with the same roots. True roots, roots of truth. (almost poetry those related sounds in these words).

 

What was the next stage in the platonic friendship Doubt and Observer once again had ? One of them or both of them having someone else to have a bio relationship with as well ? How would they begin the last stage of their lives ? Go on like that in the knowledge they had not completely fullended what they had started, because the consequences the reasons for coming together or going out of each other, or starting again, their ancestors had, were to big to overcome ? When would she finally understand. Or did Doubt want just a friendship because she felt guilty about not accepting the traditional role of a wife towards her husband ? Then she would agree with her ex husband vision that something was out of controle with her emotional system, due to... . Observer would not start all over again thinking about it all. In a probably last large email he pointed out that he had need of skin contact as well and had worries of his own close ones enough to try to understand and deal with. It was this or leaving every one on their own destiny and following his own without looking back to much. Still there was a lot of fun an spiritual insights that were understood while they met each other from time to time to catch op with events.

 

on most occasions I write directly in English, but starting from here, I got the help of a translation machine, which had to be adjusted, which I did, but it needs a second adaption somethimes I think when I wrote 'she' for exemple, the machine traduced in too 'they', but that was the least of my problems an awfull lot had to be adjusted starting from the following texts

 

 

 

B. Harm and Martina   : dit is niet rechtstreeks geschreven maar met Bing vertaald en moet nog ‘handmatig’ aangepast worden

 


New shoots, the same trees

 

The father-in-law of later, due to his youth experiences and what he represented in his enherited characteristics, ended up with a lot of frustrations. One can pass on one’s complications in life it seems. The mother in law’s hereditary characteristics weren’t ideal as well and she, in charge of a nervous system that could hold only stay calm by sheer hard work. Her mother, 15, raped  got a disabled cousin assigned as legally-made companion in this ' emergency '.  Her half sister 55, died early.  Who was the father of the half sister ? Whence came her both partly moderate aversion, partly excitement for a male body ? The later mum in law with some sisters and a strong  but diabetic brother, that with hard work, trombone blowing, photography in his way was searching for love. Everyone in that family kept going in a different way in their youthful life in a cottage of six on six. The children in that House until much later age ... could as well show solidarity as envy towards one another. The mere difference in their subsequent possessions, would harm their mutual understanding many times. One could see it in their mutual, ever-changing coalitions. It seemed like a complete loss of time, but it was their evolution.All daughters from the mini cabin went to the city to earn their living in species with more cubic space at their disposal. The submission in all its forms made the sisters the best work forces that one as a bit arrivé could afford. "Yes madame, no Mr directly". Even if the madams were not there, they still talked about their madame, in awe looking up at a lifestyle that wasn’t theirs. Working was also a means of getting peace of mind, one could say. Futher mumin law and dad in law Modern tried to gain a living. This was, after all, a time with totally new possibilities ... that were in stark contrast to their backgrounds.  There was the condom, called English Coat ... which would prevent children to come. .. even though either no descendant had ambitions. How Martina later became so sure she actually had been not fully planned and desired; Harm tried to make her change her rmind on this.  Martina talked about her difficult birth, in terms of  ' more on a miscarage ', Martina often feld unwanted by her parents, so it seemed to Harm who taught she invented the story because of the things her father did too her.        In practice, talking about such ' disturbing factors ' actually was not as doable and done between parents and children. 

 

Futher dad in law overorganised a lot in the new family of three. To the outside world he was oversympathic, speaking his mind, but often in a to bold or even somethimes vulgar mtatter. The family he came from also wasn’t ideal. His fathers wife already expected a baby when he married him, but it wasn’t his (notice the resemblance with the position of the futher mother in law her father). The children of the futher dad in law couldn’t make a living on the small farm of their father and pursuid a more modern north American lifestyle as was promoted after the second world war. So they moved too cities, learned to talk French and maintained their dialect for talking unther each other, the more officialy spoken Cdutch would be a task for the next generation.  Martina landed in a situation where children ‘s future was to take place in conditions which had been prepaired by the dominoeffect from years.  How to behave as gentle men and women was morgaged from the start.

 

Boys and girls were not yet cynical and sarcastic about love, they cherished the thought they were not, they too, right the their parents who find them rather old-fashioned started, the beat culture stood in front of the door; the ' free love ' thought was to make its appearance in anticipation of the necessary confrontations with numerous backgrounds with roots in everyone's specific reality and instance or not to play and the ancestral stories a worthy or nice follow up. Could Harm and Martina in those first wonderful opening of their psychological and other discoveriestours all have known all this ? Good feelings for each other, reducing them, was when not conceivable in a romantic sentiment, protected from the dangers of too much free market ' economy ' in love. They could not yet know, or they wanted to still know nothing of the possible healthy or unhealthy influences that could come out of a relationship with a third. They had even less insight into the parallel, strongly branched, connected process of a number of evolutions between people which they not even knew and whose lives would cross each other. If one would know everything in advance it would leave them yet but only with jealous tensions and a premature breakage or emotional heaviness. If one would know everything in advance, after all, everything would look very different with life. Life is more about what is to happen.  Harm for sure, wasn't even jealous at that stage of their relationship, there seemed so obvious him wedding in all areas. An other part of him did not understand all those couples living together and all those girls being well kept away from intercourse in a physical way.

 

You have voorzaat and vóórzaad

 

In an essay on his grandparents, Harm wrote on the sperm of his father's father. His grandfather had no unhealthy interest in children and Harm no microscope, he had the genetic carriers of the ancestral history mentioned just now not seen yet, documentaries about that were still far away in the early 1970s. Those bio chips, that somewhere in that for some tasty, white, warm, in flakes and flurries emitted Grandpa's stuff, ... whether intended as  starting signal for Harm's father as human continuation  or not ... that ' stuff ' then, Grandpa's real legacy in fact ... it is not just ' stuff ', but a collective that from individual carriers of stories exists. Grandpa Isidoor  was, in its time the provisional end result of a long series of combinations . "A by no hart beat interrupted process; that goes back much longer history than that of cellular life "... that was a for Harm's time revolutionary essay.

 



 

Atilla, who teached religion, couldn’t laugh about it? "Forward Harm, continue reading your monstrisity".

 



 

Harm continued.  "Take such a small fine  swimming sperm; one of the collection of partly versions of him.  Such an encyclopedy full of small building blocks. Not only building blocks, but also the Plumb, (half of a future brain), a kind of abacus ..., the male part of the soul with more rational elements than the emotional part of the brain, one can actually ask yourself ? Man and woman are the symbolic summary of the Genesis, both physics and chemistry, synthesis of everything between big bang, radiation, photons, atoms, cells and so on. So short, half of the form of arms, legs, torso ... and everything keeps running as long as possible. Grandmother Clotilde had plenty of choice. But once that the struggle for live, for all sperm; except for one (my dad is a loner) ... on the great colossal egg of grandmother Clotilde stranded, then cubes were thrown. The best, the biggest, the most powerful, the most attractive choice made by Grandma egg? Or rather the soul befitting what was in this generation episode in all kinds of directions of others teach fell and vice versa? Is this some sort of predestination that by that particular pair of arms, legs, toes ... only in the making will be worn for life? Clotilde and Isidoor laid it all on those times. From then on had father but to grow and prosper until the time of the genetic decide on a future mating dawn would, ' mating ' (this word comes perhaps of ' ring around pa ', for those who can envision a seed in an egg at the initial phase of the fission epic ".

 


As often, Atilla came trotting along with some reproach. ' There you have him again ', thought Harm, ' it took someone with  a military discipline still the necessary time and imagination and due to his undoubtedly boring existence it was difficult for him to understand some things of life in a different way '? "Harm Isidoors, you know you will not escape punishment. You are following a wrong patern of thinking "? "I am just explaining some hidden, not always romantic realities as much as possible, as ethicayl and digestible possible, so that they can be discussed," said Harm without ' Mr ' and without ' Atilla '. "How you look upon my essay and my freedom of writing  ! This is just to get some symbolic philosophising about the concept of to ' occur 'in this life going. What is fascinating in mathematical terms (he also gave mathematics) think about what existed: the idea first ... or the dust ... If you know that time actually theoretically does not exist and in fact as physics and chemistry are one and actually do not exist and each other as dimension apart forever bring forth? Let us just assume that all matter is and on a physical  level processed with a spiritual symbolism, then I’m wright on this. You blocking a number of realities in our lives ". Atilla had clearly not followed ... or was his attitude a settling of score between someone who felt that maybe he was threatened in his authority? It looked like heading for an educational clash that since culture had existed continued and now someone had a problem with the simplicity of theory again itself even dough it was a complicated approach at the same time. Thus Harm began to think about authority and sense and nonsense.

 

That already along so many angles described life, started well for Harm. Nine months long he also had the time to look as good as possible to look like one of them out there. Nine months long sponsored by blood, lime, egg ... from a wman who had received and shared. What a wonderful feeling, to start of  from a decision in relation to whether or not to get filled up, want to be ridden or not, whether or not full of gestation. In any case submitted by something that can be described simply as ' taste ' also. ‘Goesting’in Dutch, the meaning of a number of characters come to life to interfere with this if necessary. Some ' music pieces ' are composed, others not. His cast, the result of a chain reaction. A process that is located in the abdomen and in the society by resident would. Not only a process, but also a being ... a mental and symbolic evolution of himself and others and bound to their structures  ... not always predictable as matter. Harm realised that living  and organising had especially to do with matter ... how important the role of ideas also would prove to be. Ideas, silly and less foolish, bright performances of all kinds of things, , useful, imaginative or negligible; acting together in the creation of new life.  Reflections on authority, possession, enjoyment, boredom and making sense ... His life would turn out to be a continuing story of aproaching truth and sense in all his debts.

 



 

A small three hundred days long Harm needed to be ready to gladly come out as traduced in to the degree with which his mother’s  second delivery went. Everything to learn in steps, grabbing, sucking, taking a crap, pee, see, hear, feel and projecting; was present. Even the command post, his brain; took care of all the automatically obeyed or ordered instructions; or in a summary :  he arrived at start and finsh in good health. Presumably it was his lust for making a good kind of combination of structures of all sorts of ancestral relationships between people, that made him appear on the scene of life. Harm thought sometimes that the beginning of what he later learned his consciousness; had been laid upon hearing that strange Underwater Acoustics, that mix of stomach and bowel sounds ... and then ' that foreign radio playing ' beyond. Also he believed to be in his brain or somewhere  in the aura or the air or in the blood and everything keeping him going, a definitely localized sense of wanting to be left alone sometimes,  ... a developing sentiment, not only to grow outside of a woman's body, but also of something that had been forever with  him as eternal as he had existed, namely; the own ' inner communication ', he would later appoint the phenomenon more clearly.

 



 

As easy as he sat in the ‘being’ called ' uterus ', so lubricated he came out of it, after nine months earlier after a testical storm, while his second half on tasty body temperature was yearnigly waiting for complition.  His first energy source had driven him outside, or dit that happen on his conscious initiative, the science is still not that far. Away from her, to the beginning of maturity and growth, a process that symbollicaly through other women on a different dimension, was going to repeat itself symbolically, a ‘how to stay strong on your own’ game.  Done with utopian hover and swimming, floating in a pont (which, as it seemed, history of evolution repeating itself,  the evolution of the organic creatures that is). The male-female lubricant at the foreplay (hopefully it had been there), the egg, the sperm, the guest room and a well defined, never random cock, did their job, performed their song, played their inevitable role and role play ... were pleasures-full transport and storage resources to be born to a new life! A life, once more based on attracting and repelling, both separately or at the same time. Driven by the desire,’ the  no longer can stand’ the sex cells with 23 chromosomes that one has on board as a body with cells containing  46 chromosomes.

 

Their game, her play ... and prohibited plays

 



 

Martina and the city. She was only eight and looking as every other child for space in life.

 

Harm lived in a village, but often went to the edge of the city, where his grandparents lived.  Between the flat against the street brick-built townhouses 234 and 238 a lush flowers disturbed  the architectural monotony of the street scene. It was the little garden of Isidoor Isidoors and his wife Clotilde. Against the footpath here this time no facade with crochet curtains as strict furrowed eyebrows. Well, overgrown with MOSS,  ornamental plates, and their concrete already showing it’s first rusty iron. No letter box  in the door, but an old milk jug, put on a pain with the bottom always open for the occasionally birds to come and make their nest there. In that summer, the sixty and sixth since 1900, the sparrows had rented something else somewhere or maybe there was one fallen prey of growing road traffic. Bad luck of course for parents and children in the street. An opportunity to show young people away lively that bird nests are a miracle and no vandals objects, something’ not so enthusiastic  about life’ children and people’ did not understand at once. ‘Why and how and what to do with that kind of people in life’ would become Harm’s specialties, life would put everything necessary to understand that on a plate for him, but not always readily identifiable and in ways that he normally expected. The cast iron fence between the two thickest plates styles was  closed for the dog and it kept,the during their leisure hours ever present young children away from possible car danger. Once the squeaky gate closed, you came in a worldnot  to be found in the ‘five working days’ street.  Street no longer thought possible. The flowers and shrubs in the front courtyard, the vegetables in open ground and who were in the Conservatory, Clotilde's artistic children. The fruit trees, an others. While in their canopies generations of pigeons announced their territory with wars and dances, and battled with competitors in purchase of their partner on the platform to enter ... as nature renewed itself year after year.

 

Before Isidoor’s rabbits ended freely in Clotilde's cooking pot, they freely run  in the meadow behind the farm, they had delicious healthy lives eating hundreds of plants. No wonder they let themselves be catched by the neighborhood kids with Isidoor ' s trap cage; rather than to escape in the direction of the city. As a rabit, you also had to die anyway!

 

In the Vife Day Street, the farm of the Isidoors was more than an oasis between the terraced houses with their concrete gardens of ten square meters. Isidoor had the support of the whole street in his struggle to prevent his farm from the construction of one of the first large department stores. He would not be expropriated. The farm would not become a car park actually and was not to be completely divided in two.  Sheep, pigs and cows from behind the prickly, would not with a confident indifference philosophise on what if they ended in shop carts as frozen meat (something new a that time).. Still, the animals on the farm were free like the children in their thousand-and-one-games of ' who-is-not-way-is-seen ' and  'playing doctor’. In fixed and changing groups of four or six, they could always call the farm theirs for  an afternoon. Opportunities for fantasy to get solid, there was enough. Especially in the old barn with all those pieces of metal and wood; that they sometimes came across and used to make castles, attacked and conquered, and many non patented inventions.

 

Whoever came ‘chez’  Isidoor and Clotilde and their grandson Harm was a guest, Martina was happy to be  there somethimes in a group of friends between nature. Later she would grow  her own match  tightly trussed tomato plants. Sometimes she was refused by her paretns to go and play along with the other children.  Then she looked on the ladder over the wall to catch a glimpse of the children playing. So she had seen five guys and girls of her age in the high grass with blades of grass  testing what you can do when playing the doctor game especially when exploring under the belt. The boys seemed not much interested. The more in the game interested girls  waited in curiosity for things to early to happen any way. One day Clotilde ended the game. As if playing it sneaky was a  irreplaceable part of this special game was, first the boys than the boys came out from the long grass. Clotilde cared about what happened and thought of all the diapers that she in her time had made clean, washed, dried, ironed. To take care her children were clean. And keeping ‘clean’ according to her had also to do with chaste and unchaste. Clotilde was one of the women who had learned that children don’t harm each other by experimenting on that field of growing up. That form of discounted, that transmission of inferiority feelings and sexual inhibition from one generation to another ... that block one takes with from one’s child's bed  in too the marriage bed ... that silly form of at all price like to own in a sick way, that dishonor was what fathers did not have to do with daughters.

 

 

 

It somethimse happened tha adults asked Isi for advice on their personal problems, more and more as the divorce rate grew. It was more difficult as answering the questions of the children playing on the farm.

 


The method of Isi was none of unctuous words, but just one of tips for which more prosperous  people paid professional help. His sermons, no  classic sermons, were thoughst,passed on orally in pieces and pieces ... in such a way that Isi sometimes told things he had not intended to say not at all. "Give each other some space anyway darn", so he began usually. "Try to get that head of you first have to get under control. Do you really think that that someone you love does not has the need to sometimes  have a slice of his or her life exposed to another or do you probably have too long forgotten to pay attention too him or her your daily living with ? Forgotten why he or she is so special ?   Don’t have too much fantasies  about how ' the other ' with that ' other ' would be ...  remaining on friendly terms with each other very often is a better deal. But it doesn’t always work.  We all have the right to breathe again when the pressure in our environment and relations, by factors that one does not understand, or sometimes first years later really is becoming, too big.  And when there in the end is a third party fylly involved with your partner, your legal spouse, why continue blaiming the other alone and see his or her worst sides and continue to surch for reasons to complain ? What are you afraid of…of losing possesions ? Do you really think you can lose people, especially if you stay in your own strength ? Can’t you fix the relation any more or are you to often alone with children who aren’t at their ease ? Are you jealous of the romance of the discovered extramarital affair that has reduced the relationship with your partner ? Or did you stop asking how it came that  the fine things of the past disappeared? Maybe it's just because your children have no place to play ?  Do not be euforic on the things from times when the love was great between you, but try to talk about the meaning of both your lives. Try to finfd some peace of mind both.  And if you want to go start talking with each other, awkard things maybe sad, nasty things too, but ease afterwards and think and rethink once more so that you know how you both got the cards you have and how the cards are as they are wright now ... until that you know where fear and lies came from.  Do not think if it’s the cas, at it all just for the sex, the money or being more this or that ... there are many reasons for man and women being lonely. Of course if you sometimes don't know what that you in fact have to know (perhaps  in order not to hurt ) ... it is like everything that happens behind the back, hard. Why not just present the new partner too each other in such a situation?  It could be wise to talk to each other ! And ... it doesn't have to end up where that the neighborhood will think it ends ... though it may of course make peculiar twists, uncontrollably out of control sometimes ... but those are challenges one can try in certain circumstances. Without a few words or preferably more words spoken ... then fly there one day, of course, a few things through the kitchen in the least severe case.  Why should that be the case now people! Even your kids think that in your head something no longer is true. It's still better that they know who that is, the one they are going to find more and more in the company of their father or mother. Experiencing each other anyway as very good old friends in a game that one must learn to play fair with trial and error.  Do not get  haunted by images of others who enjoy each other's … . Oh well, everything can have numerous causes, there are even couples who just replaced talking by sex as if that is the only thing  what counts!?

 

Children still understand little of those things, but spontaneity is something that they recognize better than adults. They live with a kind of sacred image they have of their parents and in their later life they can get confused in a traumatic way if they don’t learn to get the backgrounds of life.  With a disturbed ' father ' or ' mother image ' sometimes it is not so easy to build relationships, but there are not only parents, but also the time-spirit plays a role.  Not only thetime-spirit that more and more is  one that does not have a need borders and restrictions any more. Patterns of behavior in a relationships stay important,. Relational developments, aided by the current time- spirit of unbridled enjoying and adventures usually end with loneliness and drifting apart and provoking even more injuries.  If a new relationship has too do with communicating on another level about things, that is something else. One can understand that one is touched in one’s honnor... because you're always so darn been faithful ... but is that a reason to begin to drink or to switch to revenge or payingfor  love? Why deform  the image of your onve in your ieyes almost perfect partner and become cynical  about life? What's funny about feeling miserable? Give it a try again or with someone else ... If you feel you're a part in a love triangle or fair learns that. Talk it out first then you might come to the conclusion that both of you want to feel more that you exist ... that you both want to discover ... and want to rediscovered. Things happen without we realising why they were needed. Don’t be the deviishl to each other with impossible settlements and lawyers and notaries, arranging among yourselves ,makes the band stronger. You can restrengthen confidence sometimes if you want. I say it again, you should not go to sleep or too much with those things with you. Talk them out, do no hasty things or make quick decisions not from discontent or excitement or so. Starting with a little more and more space for each other is sometimes sufficient ... though it might then also evolve into things one is not strong enough to support.  Avoid physical or verbal abuse  and humiliations which you only regret afterwards. Don't start drinking because then  all jealous and greedy dragons from your subconscious can play a game with your imagination. By recriminations and accusations ayou then come to know things that better were not said, it’s armement, not disarmement ... instead of reading the right books to read about relationships and other perspectives. A bit of competition in love is good, but too much can cause large wounds. Wounds of which only the generous recovers .

 

Harm, many years later, faced with those situations,wanted to compare those taughts with the last three months of his relationship with Martina. You can't one month, one year, ten, twenty years ... look further or go with someone else's decision to dwell together. “ You have decided unther a lot of pressure Martina,  but sea lion not mine; I and the kids wanted you to stay”.

 



Too good to continue, those wonderful letters, which no other lovers

 

Already in the time of Isidoor's farm,  Harm knew that girls, women, are usually much rather let boys take initiative, then for example take initiative themselves (in many ways, dough they provide sparks as well.  Some of them anyway. But where were the other? Those that ' play along ', as he had learned Martina. She had taught him to take her teenage problems seriously. He had become a true specialist in by mail responding to her large and minor issues. He invented hundreds of sentences, phrases, peculiarities on paper ... in that delicious extra incentive period when they did not live together or when he was in the army and thus missing ... in that time they restricted themselves to just caresh each other. Feeling head, skin. Her father must hvee been relly jealous ten.  Or did he feel  like a man who did not bother any more that his wife was with another ?

 



 

Harm had fought throughout his life against that from the face of most people could be read that they found life a tasteless, soulless, saltless joke. He himself constantly saw similarities between things, was eager to learn and absorb and make it all fit in too his ever developing image of the world.  He was searching for ways to make others part of what he ever always again discovered and corrected ... even the fact that even the most simple thing for him, honest communication with your life partner, was not so obvious at all.

 



 

Until that period dawned, he had written works which form stood far from the average reader; even though he also wrote in a more simplified way. He got little comment onhis work  in the beginning. However his work was about things, big things that limited the happiness of every citizen, rich and poor. Hunger, war, unemployment ... environment ... thought. It did not stop there for Harm.  He wrote about future alternative of managing society as well, other forms of governance. In every literary style  he was aware of the fact that the spectrum of political parties not only stands for a number of programs from left and right but also for the degrees of selfishness and solidarity that lives in people  ... and those who show solidarity in life, how they were influenced by the others.   He wanted the ordinary person to feel that art, philosophy and understanding the society can give enormous satisfaction. Since Martina, now his legal wife, had started to let him feel feel, that she could possibly be without him ... their house and the adolescents; since then his system of agitating for a better the world of social progress for example, changed significantly, because he made more time to win her back. For the time of being done with social militaitng  and less about social writing, he sometimes still had an indifferent balance opposite the misery in the world, he learned that that misery is not only also about negative emotional problems, and one of the reasons why so many people are not interested in politics; so he had to take that area of life in too his work as well and work out alternatives for dealing with emotional problems, in the meanwhile waiting until the major world problems came to the richer Western world…and that ordinary people should rise against their imposed lifestyle and culture, not out of self consciousness and idealism but on a material base (sadly but that’s the way it seemed to function).

 

So he tried to win over her again. Only in bed that was not a problem. That field was indeed also important for the workman and the shopkeeper, the peasant and the secretary ... their outdoor work alone wasn’t their complete lifemade ... love and excitement as well and that also was a source of competition and perspectives. If you're nothing taking that in too account in your view on the world and when you neglect that field of human existence and examine the factor integerty, you miss crucial things in philosophing about life as a whole.  Especialy women notice these things.  Although almost everyone quips  about sultry and naughty things, most people are still fond of integrity, also in relationships; strange, how would that come? Much less interest was there for how to use a tendency in a political party or outside it to change the social democracy back to the side of the working man and not for maintining the capitalist excesses that strangled the world. Why so less attention for a culture in which other values of the personal and collective existence valued ,  Martina, did she felt put aside themselves on  by all Harm’s society-oriented activities, not more fully orientated on her and the children ? Didn’t  her mother, (in the abscence of more sensefull chats  ) say to Martina that one should not rely on the fact that Martin really went to all those reuions, was he really?!  So she spread doubt in too her daughter’s hart. Sure. The mother of Martina’s husband had to strictlywalk her line as time lines were concerned. Martina had told Harm how she had sometimes wept, while he slept. She wept because of what her father did too her and because that was Martina’s real reason of not being in the mood as much as her husband when it came to making love.  Before that, she even before marrying the cuddle up in the seat more and more. It wasn’t the only reason of course. She was a master in the the creation of artistic pullovers and thus more, stuff for the children from before they were baby. Lately Martina more and more started those hously arguments that he got tired of relativating, because in the background the pression of her guild feeling towards her mum who found that he wasn’t a good husband for her daughter, with all his writing or wtching teevee when they all went to sleep ... what rarely took place though ... but this happening s a few times was enough for the mother in law who wanted to put pressure on her daughter.  Martina felt obligated to put the same kind of time in cleaning as her mother did  (Harm also tried to do his part, but not as intensive as most women do) .Had he not said often enough that Martina should not put too much time in those household matters in the sense of imposing a strict and severe  weekly schedule on herself ? Harm prefered playing with the children, peeling the potatoes, washing dishes, a bit of clearing, recovery work, jobs for the further building of the house ... in the knowledge that maniacal forms of cleanliness also were found to be hereditary.   Just sitingt in the seat with the children watching TV, while Martina was busy with vacuum cleaners or washing machines, was a reason to reproach him incurable lazines. As if everyone should be mechanically busy all the time in order to feel good. What bothered her was  Harm ' s calm and also the things she had entrusted him about her growing up in a kind of triangular relationship with her parents ... things that Harm had long  classified, when you have kids you have to move forward and let those things for what they were.

 



Harm did know what hard work was; because he himself in his youth and far beyond the twenty years long  hard work in a family business, (everything you can imagine)  In the end Harm got used to the  domestic whining about the house hold, with  ever more frequently recurring phrases such as: "I do not want to grow old with you with, me cleaning all the time ...". If one complains too much about this, it  indicates that there are other things that come into play and not least someone else who has no wife any more and is trying to pull another one’s over to him without the other one knowing . Forgotten is then how much pleasure you can give someone in bed and all your commitment disappears into the background the fact  that you're a good father, and a gentle person as well. Then one learns that too much ‘understanding’ and being tolerant and not demanding too much not always fit in certain situations. Things begin to crack as they let you feel that you should take your distances. They get more often moody then, not because of the husband but because someone else is pulling them away from the husband.   When you suddenly feel that more is behind those frosty silent weekend morning in bed. Is the competitor, the one you only know recently he existed (the last year of your marriage  you didn’t) getting  impatient? She is tired of the old ' folds ' and she wants to feel the folds of the other.  Why that last year everything had to be so exaggerated, they after all where fifteen year happy with each other and the kids, without much fuss been actually doing the things that matter, build, work, living together, have children and ensure, time for special things.

 

It’s also funny how one gets to know one’s wife ‘s having ‘an affair’ :eft and right because you will get not completely pronounced tips, for exemple from someone ,that ' casual ' visitor on that theatre piece you wrote, could not be the one who had not personally received an invitation (for that attempt of Harm’s theatre monologue play in this case).  The ball is rolling and Harm confronted his wife and lover in the pub were they met. "So, the last time you'll see him more and more under the afternoon", becomes a piece of dialogue instead of "should I help the children with their homework or did you checked it "?  "Oh, so he may as well listen better to you, he explains your traumas better, ... lets you feel that you are a special woman ... that you do not have to feel inferior." If you tried to show yourself more as a loving women to me, you would not need those psychological confessions and that complaining to one another, that ends in hand sticks and the rest ", said Harm, when in more ways than one tickled by the hijacker on the coast, plagued, sometimes blessed with sexual possessiveness and fantasies, for which the new couple, presenting themselves as platonic claimed to be not ready for.  For them a secret, for you a question. But why  happens to us, our family, after a that stange year of not knowing what is happening, so all of a sudden falling on our heads ", tried Harm. "Do you fear that my huge angry mood that time you taunted me "? That slap in the face  which you always are enlisting now after that I only asked you to tell me if you saw him and that not would have appeared when you came home that night and killed me with your looks, and exclaimed your strongly negative wishes towards me, which I shall not repeat. Biting in my hand is also no fun. You have to finf all this ‘natural’ as a man, I supose ?  That other being ' there ' would not attach so much importance to making love then me’ ... that is certainly something to keep me calm?

 

Pronounce everything that isn’t pronounced and let it go. Must we use the same logical criteria in the field of love as well as in the social field ... changing your employer for another when you seriously feel disadvantaged, I can understand, but changing the mother or father of your kids, no; that is quite something else. A real man, out of respect for his wife and the mother of his children doesn’t involve with just a one-night stand ... those that do, they lack respect, the men as well as women ... Harm heard himself say with an angry head. Darn, you wonder how it is that just be nice for each other as a couple is so difficult now, being happy doesn’t have to be so complex. ... is it that what is bothering us ? You blamed me sometimes that I am not jealous enough ..., that's just because of the confidence that I had in you.  Oh well, what does it matter, I am jealous more now ...,satisfied… but that being jealous or not has nothing to do with whether or not one loves each other, but with the fact that we have some lcommon goals and commands in live, over the border of live and death even. So now that I am jealous it seems not much to move in you. Maybe you liked me not jealous in the past, so you could be more free to go other ways. Then you stand somewhere as a man to fight off your anger and a few things more ... just because it forces you to change your philosophy of life, you would  like to learn to realize that relationships outside of marriage for both are a need to be able to ... get stronger…though you never have had someone else. The temptation to start ' hunting ' for a new love then begins, you  get overwhelmed by those things instead of waiting for the right time in your life to come across them.  Was it that Martina, did he occur at the right time in your life, in our lives or did you make the folowing reflection “one of my girlfriends is more happy now, why not me”... (her husband less indeed).     At such moments both one favorites as well a monogamous relationship than the opion of the emerging opportunist in you, who longs for new ' delicious ' meat in the tub around the corner, but one still does not know anything of all possible forms of complications which that may cause in the lives of many others. Did  that ' opportunist 'in oneself did not exist much earlier in you, you can of course ask, but in Harm’s case it was that sometimes no more than a nice gimmick ... a fantasy which may have had a little influence on the familiar woman but that will or have worked in two directions ".

 

"What the heck Martina. All in all, I'm glad you have taken the first step afterwards, must I learn to see it that way? Within the meaning of that you redeemed me of a dilemma that I have actually held impossible. You make me realise how difficult the small realities and not known things can weigh on a human being as subjective, emotional , roads one is pushed in, conscious and unconscious,  not to mention the other ' conscience ' ... that has to be put to the test with you, and who knows how long are you going to find peace if our paths do separate ... and most important ... not just those of us ". 

 

 In the Bible Martina, such things are people's biggest enemies. Do you remember how we talked about ' them ' (your friend, my possible new girlfriend) to our ' friends '?  The house in two, two new "families" ... other perspectives..; fine talk moments ... theory moments especially ... disturbed by your secret date that came to light. Why did those things have to be in secret ? Why didn’t  you say  ‘that lived far away’, when he in fact had already moved the neighboorhood ? Why take chances with your Harm that still had to get used to see you and him as an a new episode in our lives ?  Even small doses of feeling cheated and to feel threatened, the trusted luck of the family, can send one's taughts and deeds on the path of evil and stupid jealousy increased during argumets with always yours poisoned little arrows.  Trying to keep my tongue in check, I must keep on practicing ... so we  really still can have moments without temperament against temperamen and respect each other again as human beings  What has it brought you Martina, a lot of doubting and uncertainty. The experiences themselves, of course, and what comes out to learn, now almost 25 years later more clearly than the moments themselves ... and what was not made clear in terms of insights came  through other people on our way. One moment you had enough of my scraping about him, his divorce, his wife, his children, his work,  ... it wasn’t worth it all anymore all to you, you wanted to stop.  I said no. It would have been a waste, you do not not have good conversations with someone that often, maybe keep it platonic (if that was the case) ? Or maybe it was your way of having a secret lover again, unknown ?  All those secret weekly calls at our home gave me a feeling of being a lifelong obstacle indoors, they have you surely also helped you to survive a year longer further through life ?   What you always had to tell more than we do? That things could speed up by my progressive attitude? Or am I torturing myself unnecessary ? Not a good ' winners ' attitude from me in retrospect. In general a woman with a second lover expects other words coming from her husband towards the ‘rival’ :  "stay away from my wife , search one that is free yourself or I’ll….”

 

"No Martina, many of those attitudes I have even tried, but the depth of life that yousr took, there was little recourse against. It's too simple and complicated at the same time. I still have the dozens of letters we wrote each other during our courtship, I'll give you this now but you will find there maybe only the painful things of your youth in.  Our silences of the last year won’t go away with redaing it, it will not bring us to cuddle in the seat not even. Why  a woman simply doen not understand that a woman can have no problems, with a man who is bent on having her in fact? The question could have multiple answers, but let's talk about them some other time ". "What the heck Martina. All in all, I'm glad you have taken the first step afterwards, I must learn to see it like that? Within the meaning of that you redeemed me of a dilemma that I have actually held impossible. You makes me realise how difficult the small realities and not known things though on the human being as subjective, emotional being by roads, conscious and unconscious, conscience and not known; to say nothing of the other ' conscience ' ... that has to be put to the test with you, and who knows how long are you going to sit still if our paths do separate ... and most important ... not just those of us . Now I am learning to live with the situation and things to be forgotten. Also this Martina. Let us for the time being,  say where we are, so that one of the two not to will not be a victim of self-pity. The day I will have learned the skills to avoid this kind of condition, you will maybe be able to see me again as the young man with the special words. Maybe it’s more easy for you, already having made love to someone else. Maybe this all would not have happened if you hadn’t had this trauma in your youth, since when you in fact don’t trust a man anymore. Or a very much older looking man now in your case.

 

Breaking news, while Harm wrote this, he got notice of the youngest son that the man with whom she married a year after their split had someone else (also married with three kids and an unknowing husband, history repeats itseld, and maybe Martina you have someone else as well ?) Telepathy does seem to exist. We are now may 2012, for years since 1989 Harm had these texts for Martina, typed on typmachines, not on computer. Harm thought about his collected works and how the day before yesterday, on Ascension Day, he discovered these words around their love and he decided to transfer them digitally. Strange is also the simultaneity with Harm ' s relational situation ... because since about the same time frame he and his femle friend splited up after almost twenty years of  insights just continuing  as friends through life, but that's another story, based on the previous as it goes ... and even then on a very magical-spiritual way. Weird too, yesterday Harm thought that Martina would came back in his life ... just before he started typing the text.

 


"Martina, why feel any longer that we have to play the equally merciless game of mutual chess, exactly what the ‘spectators’ and society and genetics seems to impose on us ? Let us choose a partly common path in consultation with him and his original family, if there is no other way out. Give me therefore also a time out to look for someone else. Someone else, difficult to imagine, someone else on the condition of not to love someone else. The pain I suffered, I would like to, you see, feel ... no one else feeling it ". Harm would later repeat this as many times that ... but that's another story. Oh Martina, you will say that I am wrong, that you do not want him ' bringing in ' our house, but we are already legaly separating. I notice your doubt sometimes, when you nourish yourself again in my rest. An outsider will call something like that silliness. In the knowledge that you probably hope I find a dedicated other and preferably  go somewhere else to live with he. A woman has, oddly enough, take greater account of her reputation, more than a man. The couple of times I blamed you verbally exaggerated, they are hopefully forgiven . We are a kind of transitional generation, because I suspect that the number of divorces in our society will increase. We got our awareness among other via the pornographic images mostly, undoubtedly useful for very lonely people on old age, but once again a further commercialisation of the being ' human '. Many quarrels we had not, on those exceptions by the last three months after ... when the children finally noticed that not only they themselves could do  annoying.

 

Martina, you say to me "writing love letters from earlier, you can no longer". "Now it’s mainly political-social-inspired things. You think because you're in love again you can go back there. I would still be able to rediscover that, but I no longer get that chance. So should I discover you again ? Again discover that you understand abstract things but at the moment they specifically really happening to you.  Besides,  love letters depend on those where you write them too.  Also physical seen you get the feeling that you're dealing with sometimes not the same kind of energy  than it used to be. It's not easy to constantly stay above the primitive thinking and feeling.. Continue to take into account comments can be heavy, especially if at the same time, the war, the work rhythms, the unemployment and the poverty and pollution in this world occupy your mind ".

 

By trying to speak to her daily, Harm continued to explore the boundaries of her willigness to stay with her family. Was winnig her back possible ? . "Let us not dig too much more .” But be aware,Though, the chance  that if we cannot overcome the difficulties weface now, and that we will get the same challenges back on our plates is bi

 


A lot is too is difficult to explain in fact. I will write you again in about 23 years. In the meantime we must be careful that we do not get  to euphoric about new people we let in too our lives.   No one needs to follow our solutions, in their case that might not be the best.Why not stop writing and me enjoy life, without always wanting to explain why and for what? Perhaps because the opposition between oversimplification and underlying logic is important for your decision making that you need too stay anyway.

 

Did a lot to get you back Martina.  I tried it with our handsome love letters from the teens. With discussing psychological books you . With seducing with words and body warmth, you ccould not hide you srted missing me. Later I learned that for a part it’s also about the energy brought along by others. But how long untill according to tradition, he will claim you as his biological property ? Others react differetly from me, they make treaths about money and possesions or smash their fist on the table or play the game of who is the ost ‘guilty’, not seeing the real backgrounds and evolutions between people. Maybe your lifestory is the one your parents should have done : divorcing. Three months long my had was as well dessert and jungle as more normal landscapes, trying to figure out were you came from in life and why you chose to leave us. In fact after a period of living with your new partner in the house (the first two weeks were difficult, but the paintings I made on the addic (zolder)were beautifull, and after a few weeks it seemed like the woman on the first floor ( I was living on the second floor with he children) , was like my sister. When I myself brought a woman in too our house, things became very barable for me…but for you and him ?  After a few years, when I had moved, our children became a too heavy lot to deal with and I had to come back to them. I put a lot of intensity in educating our children alone for about ten vifteen years.

 

To come to a conclusion.  If one is much betrayed as a little child, one has less difficulties with lying to people. We were going to make it, we would succeed. Everything was guaranteed and sure, one time I took the thread again when you cut.  It was no mistake, everything follows his own logic.  We went on. We forgot that there are others in the world who play their roles. We learned how to deal with children especially, delicious. Women can do weird.

 

The older generation has not enough love remedie to pass on, things have changed and then again not. They tried once already, the older generation, in the sense of ' If you never di it with another, that is the best, then you don't know if there's any difference is '.

 

Now that I gave you the freedom you maybe will regret one day, I’m taking mine. But I will give you still from time to time an  oppurtunities to come back.

 

Finally. Those who are isolated by the game of love, it's sometimes hard to bare the truth when enlightement comes around the corner. Some valuable illusions can be lasting if one obtains the force to not complain when another starts following them.

 

D. Oh well, love

 

Part 1. dreams of 1 and for ever on the way to an ex?

 

° the adolescent Sport 3

 

° the Institute marriage 7

 

° Martin and Martina

 

° the Lat relationships 11

 

Part 2. Willeke

 

° prelude

 

° the non-classical triangle 13

 

° the wooden spaceship 14

 

° what Wants Willeke?

 

° Novel for the blue man 31

 

° The summer of 1994 was meanwhile already passed 45

 

° for Mrs B 50

 

Part 3. with what words I will delight your soul

 

° with what email-words I will relieve your mind ? e50-e102

 

° of the prohibited by fall in love 103

 

° time, relativity and love 109

 

° the Earth, punishment camp or geluksoord? 110

 

 

 

D. OH WELL, LOVE

 

Part 1. Dreams of one and forever and always on the way to an ex?

 



 

First girlfriends

 

-------------------------------------

 

My first was called Lioness. That first girlfriend; one of the few classic-brave girls who crossed my path; came from a family where they let me knowme by a sensual, but too young sister of hers on her bicycle  that her sister would like to meet me on a pary, that used to be called T-dansant..

 

That was because I had looked to her, when she as majorette that behind that pool table in that old kafee, when the new pastor came to the village.

 

She probably saw in me a new kind of Pastor  because I too often speak about what is wrong in the world, more than classic religious people.We were the same age and each other's first non sexual but really good kissing friends; though there had been that older,  that I wanted to feel what my middle under dancing felt. Alrighty, what is ' hot ', a brave you can create hot or can even be hot; but wants non other than the man who wants her wedding to be with him.  A not brave-hot wants the same after she has finally put her mind to x or y . You had  ' brave ' and ' naughty-hot-hot ' between the girls. As a boy I was a ' brave  ', ' being faithfull  I found the matter of course evidently.

 

The lioness and I learned kissing on the famous tango slows in those days. How someone tastes is unique for everyone, you feel something like a candy, you taste and you'll find it not directly your kind of energy ... let it be but so ... what other kind of ' exitement ' also follows. Your first impression is very important. Also if you see someone the first time and your  those impressions  go by as  important signals from your ' spirit world ' to your ' soul ', so to speak, it can be real or tricky.  Know your spiritual world knows  always better, your ' soulworld ' follows mainly the signals of your , the world of bellies an further down.  Could not be otherwise, your ' soulworld ' still has so much to learn and will still need so many things and situations and persons probably.. But that you do not understand  not yet by when the love life begins with the search for ' true '.

 

I came home after the T-dansant ' so to speak, and even my grandmother felt something new in me.

 

It was  in those days when I was fifteen and already felt, so to say ' mature '  a few years before something was changing in my body. As you experience life it feels you can rarely completely come in contact with the outside world. Sometimes it seems like the whole world is one languorous ' soulworld ' , with highlights and depths, between which everyone is trying to stay afloat.

 

 

 

 4

 

The times for your own happiness appear depending on the evolutions in which  others are. Girls were in those days more ' guarded ' than now and  discovering along with them love and sex was not so 'obvious’ than now, now one starts with much earlier, but one encounters also quicker the ' adult ' problems that can go together with a break up.  Here and there people warned us not to begin too early with  love, not even in its physical version. Indeed, the image of my lovable Lioness  was very much with me and in the classroom, while economic subjects did not made me sing and dance I stayed too much pasted to her warm appearance. The following year I was allowed to choose my own direction and chose ' Human Sciences '. Our ' spirit world ' in our lives often unconsciously, had ensured that I would go in that direction and had led me to fall in love with ... in the first years of the secondary school as a student who was always the first, and later withthe three first was, but if I hadn’t failed for bourgeoies economics the year I wa swith the Lioness, maybe I would have become a kind of accountant or business manager.

 

The Lioness didn't have much with my philosophical statements and was looking like almost everyone else, actually for the certainty of the existence with a more secure, according to the common ' couples ideology '' , less' rebellious man. Little did I know of love and from what obviously disliked her in me ... and that this was only a first lesson in separation, I continued to like her of course, but the being hurt I hadn’t yet met. She became a happy married housewife with children. As everything always : try again. It actually starts when you are conceived and before that and before that ... until the of the bigbang and so on.

 

Life has exactly but one basic rule, ' once something zero, or the emptiness or futility accessed ... a new situation is near when the pressure becomes too great ' ... with matter is that so and with relationships as well. Now that we went ‘a little back in time in those last sentences, here’s a story of my earliest love in kindergarten :

 

In kindergarten just bein friends was easier :  Some elderly locks me and ' Trompet ', an age ever PAL, in a circle. Next to the coalselter of the nuns, we were surrounded ... we were no longer allowed allowed out of  the circuit befor we had given each other a kiss. Our ' society ' by then, mainly so the pupils of the primary school, including , the older sister of trumpet, had seen that she and I always danced together during the nursery dances. Our relationship lasted but a infancy long, but would still leave its mark on our lives. It had to be so.

 

However, the question is always: why? My future lay all  decided in its name: ' trompet’. Tromper means betray in French, maybe I had to learn in life what that was, because it wasn’t in me and when is it in love in fact not the nicest thing to do ?

 

What was so ' wrong ' or ' cheaty ' such as the French-speakers say so mild, it is an enormous elastic concept, that I still in its enlarged form would encounter ... and where I despite all that it entails, had much of learning about it to do ... to be able to transfer it’s meaning to others I had a lot of experience to go through.  By the way, the French word ‘tromper’ also means ‘to be wrong’.

 

In my ' infancy age  I already fell on a not so classic brave girl, in the sence that she would turn out a dozen years later without much morals, courting an older cousin, a hippie kid from the city, suddenly I was just a farmer boy. (and proud of by the way). But still like her, wonder why she never had children.

 

5

 

For too long I remained that honnest churchboy after the kindergarten age.  After Trumpet ' benefited ' of her youth, she looked for a serious and separated and many older man ... and she is now satisfied without her own dream sofa with the hay. A man can't say, ' she had better taken that sculptor-farmer '  because everything always runs as it runs because it could have been a last resort not else ... who knows whch light and heavy thingsshe experienced in the meantime. And by the way, the farmer needed a farmers wife, not a lady working in a boetiek. The only thing that I still know for sure is that they later just like I once persuaded to elections. Countless evolutions of different people cross each other and like domino's everything and everyone depends on one anothers ‘falling’ for one anothers lifelines.

 

Actually, it was that first time I kissed a girl, just like the second time with the lioness some ten years later it started with the initiative of others than myself. Maybe the nuns had a strong eye on us when dancing with each other. What a symbolism.

 

The love life of the nuns was actually locked in a coalshelter as well, and we in addition, individuals from the school society, demonstrated the world of prudery what else one could do in that darkness ... beyond your life to devote to the classic way of  dedicating your life to the spiritual world and nuns.

 

Later I asked myself and others sometimes why it was that the boy had to take the initiative actually. Now I wonder whether we might lose that instinct  if there a few older to mess around with children.  The abused innocence so to say, as if one is send into the world to study all kinds of animal like  instincts  and the turmoil  that that can provoke in too young and even adult lives. Was it all bound to happen to you, because you had to learn to understand it and explain it and in the end conclude it was a kind of ancestral telepathy as well ?

 

Something that you have to do against your will, or that sexual or non-sexual abuse now emanates from bisexual or homosexual wankers or just of nuns or frustrated pedophiles  ... it always to some extent ways on the development of your own resilience and initiative. For children everything is simple. They can enjoy a simple little Kiss during a dance ... The adults with their genetic struggle for survival and their social survival fight, make everything complicated.

 

A man, a women develops along the confrontation with positive and less positive to negative experiences. It was already in the old teachings, used and abused for many purposes ; something in the sense of: If you do upon  a child something very negative, it were, would be better that that person with a millstone around the neck would be smashed in the water. That water should then not be too deep and it shouldn't be a millstone, a push is enough ...  They can not do much about ... they are so and that requires sometimes several generations to get that out. In the languages of the centuries; a language that carries the evolution ' mildness '; some images tend

 

6

 

to fade of. Now they’re better of with treatment or jail.  Who knows how big a mill stone is actually still there? What for me is certain is that the sexual abuse of children by older children or adults, is one of the forms of abuse of power , that from the one on the other generation can be passed on and can translate even in more emotionally submissive behavior. Children under the age of each other, will discover what there is to discover. .. without the negative intrusiveness of much older children or some young and ' old-adults '. Sexual orientation may be genetically determined, it is sometimes clear to note that all intrusive hassle especially is designed to raise their self-esteem, even more than their drift to get rid of their ‘bronst’.  Some have just too little self worth with the opposite sex or take advantage of childlike intuition while they overwhelm their victims with their too little human energy  lower abdomenal energy.  You had to commiserate with them as well, one could ask oneself as a child, one was not warned against them, ‘helping’ them each time they were ‘in need’, no warning was given in school against them in those days.

 

The adult world was in some way a bit stupid at times. The adults had put us on the world to resolve relationship problems in a different way, to experience them more profoundly than they had been permitted and able too  and we had to actually be an improved version of their own? We were with those intentions a more positive version of their own genetics maybe?

 

A time after the Lioness, there came one that also wrote herself in my life: ' Reza '. She gave me in her way again a beginning of ' added value '. Although we also dared play each other's physical resources, we did not penetrated in each other, as we in our fantasy did.  Damn It.

 

"Her father had studs, she could compare" ... I said sometimes smiling when my friends asked why it was finished. I could not tell my friends about our mutual, lost letters,and  start talking about what love means ... so I had to say something that they really understood ...  in terms of humor I could score with them.

 

I had a double grieve, just that weekend my grandmother died. Tears of all kind came. As to Reza and her new love worked together to help people with psychological problems, it was their profession. Reza’s sister lived together with two men and in their later live they also stood open for new forms of living together outside the classical scheme of relations. I remember when I was already married getting a letter from the mto encourage me in my political activities.7
The institution ‘mariage’
Still I hadn’t done ‘it’.  In the beginning of the seventies we dough lived in a culture that promoted ‘it’. De seks industrie started booming and overwelmed us with such energy that there was a real danger that we would get obsesed by it. The ‘world van below the belly’ tried to tak us in a grip. We learned a lot of things, some people, homo’s and lesbians only got wet from man or woman only, I only from women or even from the ‘hot’ literature that made it’s entry in the world of books…it made the white male clouds come quicker then when one would be alone just playing with oneself, fast and anonymous, just as our economy became more and more…away from true interaction.
I learned to say no to everything I did not like and prefered the words that came out of my hart and the artistic intuition that I got from this. Girls much more liked it then all that artificial mikmak.

 

I found one like that, Martina. She was beautiful with round brests and also  a not too ‘I am a beautiful girl like type’. A bit of a young rebel. She already did ‘it’, aldough she only could tell me 15 year later with who and that explained a lot.  She came from the big city too our village.
She liked the outside air, aldough she was allergic, bit too much on her fingers and sometimes me, things I only would profoundly understand after years. Life functions like this  : one cannot know everything on advance, if one did, one would not take the same task on ones shoulder. The army had enlisted me for military service (a thing I would not do again) but to save time and money I decided to go and make the military life a bit difficult for a number of little dictators over there. I coresponded from Germany with Martina, we wrote a whole lot of letters with funny things and my first insights about the educational system and other ‘systems’ in society and people. With drawings and everything in between, internet wasn’t invented yet. Her warm entrance was already made free…my remark on this was a kind of a joke but she was embarashed and I did not understand why.  We did ‘it’ and we love dit. One detail became a drama for her…she had to invent an explanation for her not being a virgin, and I didn’t want any in fact…think that the next following years she suspected me of not beliefing her explanation (“the day after indeed blood in slip”)about indeed that it was her first time as well, but I did not mind at all or paid attention any more on this.  If only she would have anderstood that I wasn’t laughing with her when I smiled at her I  think sometimes.  She should not have worried about that, I once read that the hymnen also can be damaged by horseriding for exemple. Probably she would have tought that each time she did not know what my smile went I came closer too her traumatic secret and maybe she was afraid I would discover it. CWChat her father had broken in her mind was much worse, she told me a bid of the story before we were married, but only 15 years later, in my arms, in the middle of a marriage crisis, howling like a wolf the the rest followed.  She did not knew what a ‘god’s gift’ she had in me, because it wasn’t a breaking point for me , I did not want to look for somebody else, aldough I then understood that I was a man also and a man had done ‘that’ to her from her early youth on.
: it was indeed gone further than I thought with animal sensual pa.

 

8.

 

The extent of animal bronzes is perhaps genetically determined, but pedophilia wouldn't that rather have to do with life experiences? I could not in thos days understand the full picture of my life. When something is yet to painfull to understandpainful, you will not yet grisp the full meaning of it,  but you want to collect insights ... events and people too help you understand will come your way.

 

Via our correspondence we decided that man still was not so suited to living together in a commune  and we chose in for building a house and really wishing children. She found me yet so special, I talked yet such a soft language, adapted to someone with her painful childhood memories ... it surprised her a man could also be different. We were stayed together for almost 15 years having a happy married life together. Three children were predicted and which we also got. I was hers for fifteen years, 15 years of fidelity, but apparently with the years less and less her psychologist with whom she could talk. That translated itself than in too the household by the nagging and often too much critique about my doings, though more and more, never was enough. I was not so much the problem, because I did my share of the household and was only one or two times a week for a few hours absent at the most to improve the world through politics. She still felt very guilty to the love triangle mother-father and she herself, built up earlier and had little defence against her mother’s  interference on their part. She felt to be inferior and suffering under the fact that she said that her father actually wanted no children ... that she   Spirituality speaking not many are not ment to be perhaps.

 

But she also was proud of her identity, proud of her real white hair ... not dyed ... and furious if one attacked her in school about this. She was also ‘real’ that meant. While living with me, she lost her allergy and stopped biting her nails. I still wish her a bed in a place with a sea of tranquillity, as I wrote her earlier and want only to remember the good memories, dweling on on backgrounds that go too deep can make you sick. It's tough enough that I with my philosophical oriented brain the always have a comprehensive approach. Who can stand a sometimes over complicated person lik, I'll just say to myself to not completely plete myself free of our mariage break up. haha Moreover, it is not so much a question of guilt, but of deep human tragedies that can go back generations ... combined with emotional and social discontent. Not grieve and think ' why I wrote her such sweet things  or sacrificed  this or that’ , one has to go forward even if one is to face a number of different problems again.

 

9

 

Just as there are different types of climates, there are different types of relationships ... not everyone gets sometimes cyclones in his life ... and they always disapear.  Once you understand the patterns, you're already one step further, but there are a number of contacts and insights necessary before you're ready. Something at a certain point in one’s  evolution can only be like the possibilities at some point have to offer. Would you like to hit further you should for example first get rid of your illusions, you have to overcome all kinds of unnecessary ‘worrieng to much’ and ‘ginving in’s’.  Sometimes  women or men instead of an understanding ear nd tolerance and always wanting to understand their experiments, they seem instead to have a desire for authoritarian borders. If one has too much painfull memories and one cannot express oneself very easy, for example, one chooses for a clean page, an other person to live with ... often because one does not want to be confronted with one’s own roots.

 

People can love each other both as ‘fight’ one another, but also if they do not stay together it will still take a while for the refinement of the process they have recognised. The love often gets stuck between rationality and heavy emotions. Everyone has its own tasks in confront others, even if those of contents mean’letting go’. In some cases, the more stable continues to help emotionally, in other cases that is hopeless and in still other cases both help each other, or finally one relises one in the first place has ones own.

 

I noticed through my experiences soon that there is a link between unknown and unspoken things and all kind of behaviour in all sides of love life.

 

Bit of block on one side, for seed that is not coming so fluently any more, for seed that is no longer so abundant fl (genetical wisdom ?)... until even nerves or muscles that are under too much pressure by something that should not be known, get stuck in a arm for example. Give each other some space, I say now but, after much experience. Do you really think that someone you are trying to live without, for reasons that you only will understand at the end of that process or much later; that keep on blaming that someone for breaking your relationship and leaving with someone else; will speed up that process ?  Even if the repoaches you make are pure innercommunication, they can slow you down…try to have a good feeling inside, but remain on your own course.

 

We are here to learn why we have difficulties with each other ...but we have not learned to talk openly about this. What bothers us in the other, we can learn something from,  just don't give up to easily ... because the problems you cannot fix within a relationship ... come back in another form ... even under the form of a new ' passion '. Love seduces to lust as well as getting upset.  If you want to start talking with each other unpleasant things may come too the surface ... don’t start blaming yourselfs or others too much for them, stay calm ... but still calm and think things over and over again, what do they mean ? Or let go ... until you know why the cards are so and not otherwise. Do not think that it was all just for the money, the sex or a more goodlooking partner.  Of course, if you do not know for quite some time what you had better known…

 

10

 

for a part in order not to hurt or because he and she or he or she were still not confident enough of each other.     It is like everything that has to be done behind the back, hard. Honnesty is a skill that has nice fruits.

 

But why not imagine, in such a situation, just introducing  each other? Learn yet to talk without emotional fear.      If not, then everything stays tricky to go through ... then in the living rooms and other rooms  there is tension building up.Should all that disturbing while discussing now really be necessary people? Your children can take over your fear.  Isn't it better that they know who it is they go find in once the bed of pa or ma? Why one learns in the school  no more about the difficulties during relationships ?

 

People with violated father-or mother pictures, are often having  a harder task  to build a relationship, try to understand why.

 

Do not start drinking because you've been so faithful always or your ideal image of marriage is gone.  One cannot stop if one dares to be open for it for a nmber of good reasons.  . Yet again. Yet again, do not start boozing  in such a period or do not go to a whore, because then all greedy and jealous dragons from your subconscious ground up and then one enters a game with pernicious, most suspicious ingredients.

 

All in all, a bit of competition in love is good, but too much can cause wounds still long afterwards. Oh well, still a pity that too many people are unhappy and find life a tastless joke.  Try to see it like this: suffering can pass, does not need to continue, all sides come in their turn in the sunshine. People who are lucky enough to know their own real strength, can find, another much more special kind of sun inside them. If you can make your head completely empty, you do not so easily lose  with the ping-pong of life… and so it is with love, although you may be in love be not afraid to ' lose ', because then you're not strong enough on your own. The generation of World War II has unfortunately not enough love advice to pass on too the "transition generation ' that often got stuck in their search for more ‘freedom’.

 

Husband and wife are friends and girlfriends or boyfriends or their partners  not enemies images see lieven ... and demanding a monogamous relationship surely has the most benefits.

 

After analyzing your relational problems and reanalysing them again and again, anyway in a number of cases one starts sleeping apart if it turns out that to ' tolerate ' and ' analyse ' and talk and try and try over and over again, isn’t working.   In our case I said in the end of ' let him come and live with us’ ' no one here has to leave. The first fourteen days were not easy, but after a few weeks the ex just becomes as someone like your sister. Although it does help if you yourself find somebody else.  It was at that time that I made wall paintings in the attic.              The outside world thought maybe thought we had orgies, but nothing of that kind you know. Each living on one floor of the house. Each his kitchenette and shower. The lesson I wanted to teach my children there was one of tolerance and understanding. I didn't want them to start blaming their mother. I wish them that  they they will one day benefit from our approach. That they should understand that the unresolved feelings from their grandparents and even further back, still continue to be longing for solutions of their own in this generation. Sometimes I wonder, now I notice that they begin to have their own experiences in those things before marriage or living together, that they have gained already the wisdom they were looking for ... and that they would realise the importance of good appointments, and honesty. Now twenty years later dough, one thing is clear, non of them has started a family yet. So, maybe their parents are to blame, or the changed society, or as followers of Budha would say, we are not meant to start a family here on earth (loving children, I do not agree on thus Pal)

 

After a year and a half or so I anyway went to town to start  living alone, to the city in order to be able to do to more political work as well ... and because the new couple would be more at ease in the house.

 

Perhaps we had best continued living together as a classical family unity and given some freedom to each other as we had originally agreed between the two of us on a beautiful sunday once. The next twenty years of my life I experienced that that wasn’t as simple as it apeared as well.

 

I would go and live for three years in the city with what was going to be my first LAT relationships ... and then three years somewhere just behind a forest ... I got more and more answers to the questions I asked myself.       In my case, what were the main driving forces in life ? After 3 or 4 years my ex and her new husband asked me to continue the education of my children and to come back too my previous, our previous house, experiencing some touble with the children. Did all thos things happen because he did not deserve to continue living with someone who maybe married him for the wrong reasons or because he still had to meet a number of people to understand the complete picture of life and love and society ?

 

The LAT relationships

 

-----------------------

 

There followed a LAT-relationship with a nine-year younger weird girl, ' Houthemtje ', ' for many reasons she did not have a lover yet ... you have to be  just perfect these days, so to speak. The day she heard that I was heavily affected by a cold, she came on the bicycle twenty kilometres down the road toward me.

 

I could make her laugh a lot and found out for the first time that there is blood involved in defloration. Gradually I discovered also that the way a woman reaches her orgasm can differ and not every woman is experiencing it in the same ways. Your fingertips (very important in the forplay) should not only

 

12

 

consciously do what they feel they can do ...maybe there are seven or seventy books for each kind of woman one could write in this matter.  You have to get  a woman so at ease that she also uses her own techniques in the phases towards her orgasm. For example, a woman with her leggs clamped on each other can produce a fair amount of electricity of the kind you sometimes when your wife is pregnant, even without sex ... If they in addition to you sleep and there is a kind of electricity going through her body.

 

 

 

She loved me, but she also liked a bit too many of the gadgets of classical economics, like speculating with money on the sock market. . ' I would find it regrettable if this house reamined without children ', I (steralised)said to her, one day on the rare times that I was there ... She lived far away and for practical reasons, she came a few times after her work in my neighborhood, to me. We went even fruit picking in the countryside ... because she had farmers blood, lean and muscular as she was. Fun too in bed, such a decade less than yourself. I would, however, not want to be the cause of her childless existence and how much I did love her baked potatoes and the rest, I was looking for a life that she would not like to see. In addition, I had me spayed(steralised) ... what I regret for a very large piece ... because you do it from the perspective that one stays together all ones live with the entire family one founded with one’s wife.  We had three children and for a wife it was a week's Hospital, and for a man a day ... so I suggested it myself.

 

One day I slept with someone else and wanted to invite her to my home. Because I did not want  to have secrets for anyone in love, I invited also Houthemtje, not that I wanted to sleep with both or so, but we could go out together maybe ?! She of course had an outbreak of rage and ran out ... I should have known better, if someone explained me already once ... but I have to have everything first encountered once. Sometimes it seems as if I come from another planet, where they  have a more  simple logic , here those things are still inappropriate.

 

After a while Houthemtje had her own new friend, or an attempt to have one out of revenge maybe and she told me about it.  He was no great fun in bed, couldn’t have been because they were both kind of stiff in some approaches to one anotherless, but then she fell in love  with someone from another continent. She met him when she arrived on foot of her work to me because I had lent her bicycle to a student. She came late into the night and stood next to my bed naked, her body lit by the street light.

 

That night we just slept ... When she came over a few days later and told me that she had done it with someone else that night, I could not believe my eyes when we started making love. Seemed like I had sex with someone else ! Since she had made love with her love from the Indian penisular she was on fire from the start and in coming she did not need much experienced finger-work. Was I some kind of go between between cultures ? She was pregnant from him from the first time they did it. I helped her with her descision not to have an abortion and I visited her parents to help her with the confrontation and afterwards with the delivery, since the father of her child had asked me to take care of it as long as he was in prison as an ilegal man without papers. When the couple was happily reunited, I moved back to a village instead of a town, and went to live in a forest.

 

 

 

 

Willeke, the non-classical triangle

 

 

 

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OH YES  love, part 2: Willeke, the non-classical triangle

 

 

 

prelude

 

 

 

There was once an ordinary working man who wanted to do politics.

 

 

 

On a day he was fired, despite his work willingness

 

 

 

He was so aware of the fact that no one has the right

 

 

 

to put someone without work or income, that he intensified his

 

 

 

search for the why of things like unemployment and war

 

 

 

Many organizations had tried to ensure him

 

 

 

that they represented his class. Finally, his awareness

 

 

 

of the need for a new collective consciousness became so strong that

 

 

 

He looked at all the world around him with different eyes.

 

 

 

Against his doing he lived separeted from his wife and children who lived now with a new husband.

 

 

 

A few years befor he, his ex and her new husband lived in the same house, although in separate areas. But that's a different story.When he moved from his village to town town he met Willeke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was a married woman, southern type

 

 

 

Other than the ex of our ordinary working man,Willeke,

 

 

 

She was married and could share her husband and lover in freedom and openness.

 

 

 

A new development arises one a day in her life :

 

 

 

to what extent remains the challenge that life between two

 

 

 

monogamous men brings ,with it a viable task when 1

 

 

 

of her man meets a second wife?

 

 

 

"Which social, biological, psychological, and

 

 

 

philosophical factors influence the love life,

 

 

 

of morepeople than admit it ? ",

 

 

 

They both try to  remain themselves alongtheir life path.

 

 

 

They work themselves

 

 

 

through a mountain of academic material and explore the world of

 

 

 

the intuitive, travel together and write art and follow culture expressions

 

 

 

as well as taking care of their children

 

 

 

and having a warm hart for friends and colleagues

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At a time when the band is so intimate, and there is not chosen

 

 

 

for an experience only with two

 

 

 

and with the best part in you

 

 

 

things can no longer function without stress

 

 

 

When should one break ties with less potent forms of consciousness?

 

 

 

We are from our experiences now people who ate the forbidden fruit,

 

 

 

Did we have to engage in the physical part of love ?

 

 

 

still learning to which point one can share experiences ?

 

 

 

otherwise one has to split one’s  identity ?

 

 

 

Some of Willekes Writings
©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©
 Some of Walker Writings

 

 

 

©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©

 

 

 

"As long as one overcharges oneself with all sorts of unnecessary things,

 

 

 

tears will continue to flow "

 

 

 

"Look this evening to the full moon and there will be light in your

 

 

 

heart "

 

 

 

"I wonder how tomorrowyou  will look like. As the wise man

 

 

 

with the boyish fun eyes, as the mature man with a

 

 

 

mysterious rest, or if the alert young man

 

 

 

waiting for his moment (on a man in love with seductive eyes, I dare

 

 

 

not speculate). How will you be? Watchful waiting or

 

 

 

entrepreneurial? Tranquil or restless? Patient or firm?

 

 

 

Sensitive or sarcastic? Open or closed?

 

 

 

Accessible or distant? In surrender or in fear? I am

 

 

 

Prepared for nothing. That makes no sense. I sleep and let

 

 

 

digest as much as possible. Tomorrow morning, I hope you're having a

 

 

 

to meet undescribed look?

 

 

 

"Surging in bath, the dripping of the tap keeps me awake.

 

 

 

Last night's words seep inside. Every pore wants

 

 

 

be filled with heat and moisture. Your heart pumps blood by

 

 

 

my veins. In mind I see you swimming under a full moon.

 

 

 

Let me be your moon are in dark nights. Let me be the water

 

 

 

that keeps you driving. Also let my heart send the lifeblood through your

 

 

 

body. "

 

 

 

"Thanks dear treasure for the warmth and strength of which I

 

 

 

Iaffeyd tonight. Outside it is white and silent. So it is also

 

 

 

in my heart ""The bigger my space, the greater my love, the more people

 

 

 

I can achieve "

 

 

 

"Suddenly there was chaos ... again. Shall we find peace in realising tha

 

 

 

the deepest of depths, the pure, the

 

 

 

wonderful feeling which we again and again desire,

 

 

 

that once we know it it seems not reachable.

 

 

 

When she knew another lady visited me on a given day :

 

 

 

I wanted to get drunk, "first, start smoking again, maybe a

 

 

 

seduce a man(that flatters the ego), making love until  ...

 

 

 

 ... basically ' putting meme to scramble, (while I am writing down I

 

 

 

puke  already) confirm what one told me symbolically in

 

 

 

earlier days: "you fall on everything that

 

 

 

wares pants’, ‘you think you know something, but you believe

 

 

 

only in fairy tales ' I felt an uncomfortable jealousy

 

 

 

popping up. ' Ha no ', I sayd to myself ' there you will stay above '

 

 

 

' surely you're not 16 yet more ' and you know what you have with him

 

 

 

it can not be taken over by the first the best

 

 

 

But imagine she is  not the first  the best? So much to

 

 

 

better for him and maybe you win yourself a girlfriend ,

 

 

 

says entoesiaste a little voice in me. In any case, so it could go

 

 

 

no longer ... just close our eyes and get in the zero point

 

 

 

would not be bad. ' The silence that I taught you, the sum

 

 

 

of all the secrets ' was in a book. I relaxed.

 

 

 

 But alas, what image is emerging before my eyes!(call

 

 

 

It a 'dream of fear’' three people make love in your bed. You

 

 

 

deliciously came in my mouth and I stroked with my lips

 

 

 

along your thighs and your belly. But she drank of your eyes and enjoyed

 

 

 

your stories and you stroked down my cheek, but kissed

 

 

 

Yet her mouth. A knife of pain went through my heart. Under the

 

 

 

pretext of urgent urination I disappeared by the

 

 

 

door, you noticed disagree. The following image was that

 

 

 

of her and me, at nightfall. I cried in her

 

 

 

arms under a tree of your forest. And I apologised

 

 

 

for the charge and she understood me ... and I knew you never would be mine again.

 

 

 

And that caused  terrible pain ... " "The urge to

 

 

 

callyou  was there again. Damn, what a misery!

 

 

 

Than buteat "

 

 

 

"I'd like to put in words something of the blissful feeling thatinhabits me"

 

 

 

"To love in freedom, there should be no fear or

 

 

 

vulnerability, no guilt or inner turmoil, no

 

 

 

loneliness or no hunting for pleasure ... but I think how

 

 

 

more tolerant you are ... the more you doubt "

 

 

 

"Man chose as command to rising above the

 

 

 

well-defined programming of the mineral, the plant and the animal.

 

 

 

He chose as command ' free will ' But he

 

 

 

overrated. Because is it not the case that he weather he must unlearn the wanting ?

 

 

 

 If we can’t be humble, we won’t riste up.

 

 

 

 Nothing is more beautiful and makes more happy than the experience of the

 

 

 

small moments. "'.

 

 

 

From the moment where new data and people are introduced in a relationship

 

 

 

 the relationship comes to an end in the capacity that it existed

 

 

 

 You should always choose, drop or begin again. "

 

 

 

I'm here more likely to dream, then to work "

 

 

 

“Stop your sarcasm. I try to maintain my own value, but I'm starting to doubt

 

 

 

If you want to be helpful with this. For my part climb in

 

 

 

a tree , stubborn, opinionated, pretentious little guy.

 

 

 

PS After that last words I can smile back, but

 

 

 

don't think I'm going to take back something of the

 

 

 

previous.

 

 

 

"I just hope she will be strong enough, that she realizes that next to

 

 

 

your dearest sweet she also will be your study object, that  are not bitter

 

 

 

hits, but what do I tell you, maybe she is a lot

 

 

 

smarter than me, maybe I am as interesting as

 

 

 

study object, because I dare give me as far as and are her

 

 

 

assets anywhere else. By saying little you stay

 

 

 

of course also interesting and you keep your self-esteem at least

 

 

 

preserved”.

 

 

 

"I sometimes have the impression that we use so much energy lately

 

 

 

To show others the way, and that we ourselves turn in circles

 

 

 

Must I first burn ships to before I can begin something new ?

 

 

 

I also feel not strong enough and if I am strong is  enough

 

 

 

leaving is the last thing I think of . I don't know if I can handle the

 

 

 

thought that people will judge me as someone who

 

 

 

leaves evrybody behind.

 

 

 

"I can sometimes escape the impression that my lightness and

 

 

 

' well-being ' brings about fear in my area.

 

 

 

Those who are on the lowest percent of feeling good

 

 

 

appeal to someone with a higher percent to get out of his or her

 

 

 

situation. Offer help should not

 

 

 

be seen as a pupil/teacher something ... and has to do

 

 

 

with sometimes very concrete things: together on a couch listening to

 

 

 

the whistling of the birds ... "of course here are risks to

 

 

 

connected. It may be that the lower percent goes

 

 

 

desiring for always a carefree sit on the couch and stay even more in

 

 

 

his/her self-pity and it may be that the higher

 

 

 

percent in a kind of ' duty feeling’. It should also be

 

 

 

possible to ' just ' feel good. Duty Feeling,

 

 

 

sacrifice, guilt, all those words have to do with to

 

 

 

few daring to say what you want.

 

 

 

"A wise person has freedom of movement.

 

 

 

I don't want to freeze, I want to flow like a River.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I love the space in which you live, the rest you always give.

 

 

 

 I love you untethered dealing with time. The patience

 

 

 

that allows you to fight against injustice. I love your confidence in

 

 

 

the force. The way you laugh with your eyes. I envy you

 

 

 

Sometimes your freedom. The courage to take  unconditionally

 

 

 

responsibility. I have never had  such ally.

 

 

 

I am glad I came across you on my path.

 

 

 

I would like to sya so much more, but all is not to be explained with words "

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Day dear forest man, are you still there? I want some

 

 

 

tell ...23 year ago I knew a man. He was very

 

 

 

independent for his age, he had an endless trust.

 

 

 

Everyone liked him, but no one could explain why. He

 

 

 

was, after all, but a very ordinary boy. He was no orator

 

 

 

and no adonis, no poet, no masher. He did not run

 

 

 

with feelings for sale, he had few friends, was tremendously useful

 

 

 

but somewhat shy with girls and he did like hisown thing.

 

 

 

 He was a Boulder in billiards. Someone ' discovered ' him

 

 

 

When he had still to be ' polished '. That person knew that he

 

 

 

a large would be on the Green bed sheet, just knew that.

 

 

 

He had an eye for the potential that was in him: the power,

 

 

 

will power, aggression, beheersdheid, perseverance. In Short

 

 

 

He wanted to make him work and trained him with patience and faith.

 

 

 

And he was rewarded. He was a big one. Glory days widely in the

 

 

 

Billiards of the 1970s. Player and trainer (teacher)

 

 

 

felt happy. During those nearly daily workouts

 

 

 

or games played a small boy (the son of the cafekeeper). He was only 10 years and

 

 

 

got easy applause, because what was there more endearing than

 

 

 

a child that mimicked what something large people could?

 

 

 

The public amused itself with the boy, held him for the

 

 

 

crazy when they feld like it and had left him as a reward once already

 

 

 

drinking a ' real ' pint. But the ' big ' don't laughed with

 

 

 

him. He saw something in that Petite boy and he loved

 

 

 

not all people who have to laugh with others to focus on the

 

 

 

end of the evening, to be amused. There grew a real

 

 

 

band. The child trusted him and he did confound this confidence

 

 

 

not. Years expired. The ' big ' remained large and the small

 

 

 

became larger. Until the day that he could teach him nothing more.

 

 

 

The boy felt unconfortable  when he already won

 

 

 

against his trainer ... the great was the instrument required

 

 

 

was to help the other to develop his talent.

 

 

 

He also learned much from him and put his own success into perspective and further

 

 

 

develop patience, modesty ...

 

 

 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT DROVE ME TO THIS THIS WAY TO TELL.

 

 

 

I realize know that we can both be teacher and pupil at the same time. You have taught me a lot.

 

 

 

I will probably startwriting ... can no longer keep it inside ... what I don't know yet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even though I had deepened ime now also in psychology, I kept also a working man who wanted to do politics. At times I accelerated further my search for the reasons of unemployment and war. I met many organizations that were doing the same , but more and more the world situation as a whole seemed to deteriorate: in the rich West achievements phased out and the situation in the rest of the world did not follow the gowth rate.  I designed my alternative programme for international elections. First elections to a program, then for the conductors thereof, not more on party lists, but on projectlists: social management, living, working, telecommunications ... in between I wrote pamphlets and poems and each literary expression that you can think of. The time was not ripe for classic do-gooders ... and there were only few interested ... stressed, manipulated and buried under emotional things as they were, I'll just write. Against this background, I met W. Her stories, the books she gave me, the poet that I made awake in her, relieved my loneliness. We went from one another, two years long, but in a platonic way. Had I not already a hundred times said in discussions, that I never would enter into another relationship in which one of the two was not free?  One shouldn’t do it, but the more you say it, the closer it comes it seemed, and not all lifelines have to be the same.

 

 

 

We exchanged hundreds of letters and poems and essays and so. ... After our energy also in bed seemed to work ... was the magnetism between us simply no longer to hold. She misspoke herself probably unconsciously intentional and talked about me to her sympathetic husband and I chose not to meet her in secretl any more after that one time. Before I let ‘fall’ someone  I should have can go  through many obstacles and even a few promising new and easier relationships can wait then.

 

 

 

Willeke was thus one of the few married women that could live her marriage and her lover in freedom, but it wasn’t easy for her, at times not for me neither. A lot of talking with her husband had to be done.

 

 

 

14

 

 

 

Actually, I was not the one who upseted their marriage, there was already one other marriage storm, but they had reached a balance again. Nothing is really everlasting and  an artist, already since young age she was atrracked to artists, came along. She was also by the way as her husband brought up in the tradition of that hard work would be the meaning of life.

 

 

 

One day, however, she had in her life a new dilemma: to what extent remained the challenge that life between two monogamous men brings with it a viable task for the men and for her, especially after the period of revival of their marriage began to move in the other direction again ?

 

 

 

What a social, biological, psychological and philosophical influences were and are the love life of more people than admit it, in the way? To understand this, we worked through our professions and our living our life next to a mountain academic material and came into the world of the intuitive and the philosophy. We were just not in a process in which we always encounter the same difficulties until we had overcome them?

 

 

 

Her decision to stay with her children, I respected, even if I had to rais my own on my own.

 

 

 

However, it was all not that easy and we both had the impression that we had setbacks, we who loved too intensive and were busy with all the aspects of life. In both of our families and our society increasingly stressed environment that would watch ordinary TVstuff or read narrow minded newspapers we enjoyed more selectively.

 

 

 

If we had been somewhere to theater or film, our environment often got an oral report and an incentive to not too much being lived by the mass consumption. We felt capable to do many things and did not know always good what we had to to: open a philosophical school, help people with emotional problems, open an art centre ... etc ... ideas enough, but in practice we did that all in our neighbourhood and we had our hands more than full with the everyday stress of life. Fortunately we sometimes  escaped just to enjoy the both of us..

 

 

 

Life constantly edited us and our texts. She certainly wrote a hundred beautiful poems, which I kept for her;

 

 

 

Hopefully she publishes them one day. .... (* in the meantime on a blog)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello, here is an image of the little wooden oasis on the forest where we meet each other two or three times a week:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

15

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The wooden spaceship in the forest of hurry glass trees

 

 

 

Here I found a kind of indescribable peace in my own. Here I could see the unity with the natural flavors and the rough which  has not yet developed to the mature conscious, could touch me less.

 

 

 

Here between heaven and Earth,was a perfect place to study, bade in the sun and make love and write. Here was intens dreaming and analysing and walking took place.

 

 

 

Here you could let your own mind waves taste the flavors of everything to be observed in life and what happend in the world was my guest for analysing.  This place seemed like a parabola antenna that passed things and received them.

 

 

 

This place let so many plants, rays and birds exist. Here your own awakening goes on the vibration of the  rotating planets. To sleep here is knowing  that the bark of the trees in your dreams wil be more than real.      Toleave here and to come back again is somethimes knowing what your deams predicted..

 

 

 

To awake here is sending the growing pains of people with challenges thatbecame problems sending back in too the air, purified. To be here is not always knowing that there are forms strong light that exist ...but you cannot see it always, to be here is to know that so-called death and so-called lifeis  one; one center point for who can feel it.

 

 

 

Here life is also just in laying in a hammock as well as four times a year cleaning the nuisance of others their sewage.  Here life is to realize how much more energy one can release by not eating and drinking abundant.  To live here  is to know you can primarily live of love, water, plants and trees or shrubs-far eastern essences, fruit and cheese and occasionally some fish and so.  Here is everything in moderation, enjoy a glass of wine, a beer ... and the less sugar, the less you have to chug summers.

 

 

 

To live here is aswell meeting  people with financial and emotional problems, which can also thereby feel the beauty here any more ... any more than some people without financial problems that sometimes can. Here life is the tyranny of private owners of electricity and other terrestrial telecomroads. (camping)

 

 

 

To die here must be like a burning boat on the water  or a germ from which new life emerges. Here you can see what you're missing, if the fog in th morning floats between the forests. Here, the Sun is sometimes beyond its circle in fire if two people come out of the dark forest it walks in their midst.

 

 

 

A certain bird flute here night and day ... until the day that too much of a nationalist in the caravan next to that particular tree came. With his playlist on the tearjerkers like ' don’t leave me now’,, I can't without you ' spoiling the sound of silence. My next door neighboor had better music.

 

 

 

Here everything vibrates. Here, if your not strong enough also the genetic energy from the past, can reach you.

 

 

 

Here is for the past is bright only for the strong part in you.  The now has a little future already. Here you can eliminate past and future in the now ... then all that exists focusses are in a center point. You are unmoveable, fixed point, you radiate through your eyes and spread  a kind of incomprehensible life energy.

 

 

 

Those moments are unique and not constantly and you should always again by earthly suffering and understanding and enjoying always die a little and rise to get back in too radiation.

 

 

 

Jet, a plant or animal you are no longer. Here one relieves onesself with the virtue that separates the old.  Here is breath connection with aura. Here bodies are mirrors of universal forces, each with a different face. Here all the Earth Chakra's open and all earthly is sucked  while the rest of the cosmic drops down. Here love is the seeing and feeling very thick and very nice aura, which makes years younger.

 

 

 

Here you have to test yourself first befor you’ve  understood all this. Here you can be, so happy that you finally know you will again face other difficult challenges. Here you say thanks to nature, often for many a nice SECOND  ... for every particle of an hour. Here you could have lived with the art-woman of your life, but you did it always but for a while ... but that was life.

 

 

 

Here you don’ t make things up, here a lot comes comes to you. Here you start  you work. Here music you rest and put some music sometimes, not to loud.

 

 

 

Here is ' here ' and also not here.

 

 

 

Here laugh often happens inside.

 

 

 

Here hangs at night all that in the day not reached above  ... tomorrow it will again be shon on and you only have to pick it up ... If you reamain on your own vibrations  ... and not with you being pulled down by others. Here are remedies unnecessary, because banning your illusions and fears alone ... heals. Some emotions are sometimes illusions.

 

 

 

Here hangs not much jealousy, greed, selfishness, pride, aggression and ignorance anymore, but their opposite, purified ... for now ... always provisional?

 

 

 

The one who has not enherited peace of mind can come and learn how to conquer it here. You can at any moment with break with unrest break and chose differntly in which way to act.

 

 

 

Calm waves will engulf you, like after a highlight. If the calm waves remain depends on how often you already were willing to dare enjoy and how often you take on without fear some suffering, that in the end will no more be yours any more.  Here's nothing chance, all a puzzle, which sometimes crackling but eventually most clear images, without puzzle borders.

 

 

 

Here is little planned, it flows all back in too each other, every time the level in all relevant vessels reaches each other's average height.

 

 

 

Here, a flower is a soul, somebody, a force with a different frequency and other effects than the Bush next to it.

 

 

 

Here's a tree a power up, a delight that pulls your energy up.

 

 

 

Here wood is something you love. Here one feels that the Green can enjoy days long in the rain.

 

 

 

Here depends not on the gloom of many places elsewhere; When the weeks can be dark and cold.

 

 

 

Here you dive with it all  and  you feel falling leaves as an equal mystery as all those types of blossoms.

 

 

 

17

 

 

 

Here you have a band with all slate-coloured trees  that can send the you new forces ... If you are open for it ... in all your vibres. Here tingle slightly from the bottom of sadness, little lights, from  whom? ... know of where they come and realize you no longer can understand in in a earthly rational way. Heaven got it’s logic as well. Here one must empty oneself in order to let the environment flow in you and out again. Here one does not chase flies or kill spiders and ants and muskitos that bite do not disturb…good for something maybe. Oh, here to love is always giving a bit, taking a distance and getting closer and receiving in order to let the heavenly sparks be born again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh ja, Love

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Willeke? About the two women in her.

 

 

 

She rides not to her work, she travels too it.

 

 

 

She lets enjoy  facial expressions and they enjoy hers.

 

 

 

She talks patiently against the voices from the wires to her call center-ears.

 

 

 

She can leave and leave something of her where you sleep peaceably of.

 

 

 

She can look in a way that touching seems inevitable..

 

 

 

She can see through dramas and provides answers.

 

 

 

She frosts and is looking for the next episodes.

 

 

 

She washes and is a blessing.

 

 

 

She makes me a gentle poet ... I, armoured fighter against injustice.

 

 

 

She has something incredible impossible with the world and with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This poem for the child in her for which I give in every time has an end and that is in sight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My life you could and you can summarize by: ' the complex life of a simple man ', or vice versa. I want to my life to encourage all kinds of mind expansion. What interests me is where and how we all individually and collectivly come from. So there you have surely philosophy and history. It interests me what people know and what keeps them healthy. Her many stories around people and states they are in, have helped me in this. Certain books she gave me, she had not yet read or I have explained to her. I went there according to her, of course, always too far in ..and she had also did not  like that she recovered her books full of notes and additions, rather than in Virgin condition.

 

 

 

She was fourteen in 1968 and smelled like black currant bushes. If you don't understand, think of how wonderful ' casis ' can be. She did not know what a clitoris was, but that she had one, that she felt though. The strange thing about that desire, was that it aswell came from deep as it reached for some invisible height as well.

 

 

 

18

 

 

 

There stood suddenly in the fruit auction an unknown boy for her, he seemed while loading a truck like a ladder to get out of that warm depth of her to rise above the ordinary.  It was our first meeting and we would meet each other only 24 years later. Anyway we exchanged that day, without knowing a look when I looked in her eyes in the auction canteen.  Meanwhile, was it the warm strawberries in my abdomen or hers that freed our smiles, those some things soft in us?

 

 

 

Willeke was in the fantasy of the boys also called ' Willekker ', but they spoke  not wrong about her because they unconsciously knew there was more at stake with its deep heat ... There was something intangible, allows much faster transmissions, profound to stuck ... and they seemed both loosely connect with each other. She made the guys aware straight away for a piece of their unknown. She knew at once or one ' a bright ' was ... but she was a bit afraid of that ' bright '. which they felt.

 

 

 

--------------------------------the text  from here downwards is not yet checked(traduced by a compu sys), normally I wright my own english------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She also spotted more quadratic, more serious guys, who radiated a lot more certainty where you could make ' State 'on ... rather cool than pleasant and warm. They still wanted somewhere to be hit try such a fierce. I walked in there so on that auction. I loaded there fruit of the region for Germany. I knew what words like clitoris and so meant. From those guys with their porn booklets of course, not from the teacher's religion or this or that at the time.You could clearly  the large and small lips and venus mountain. Although the lack of practical experience in this regard let me to doubt. There flowed early a horny oily fluid from my cock ‘s head already, certainly at the sight of those booklets .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So twenty-four years after that encounter in the auction, I found her again, on my new work then.

 

 

 

I divorced and dreaming of an exotic lady permanently attached to my side, rather than Living Apart Together-system with Houthemtje who had to look at someone else in her life now anyway.                                             Those days with Willeke 24 years later than, two years of just now and then what colleagues do.Even if our seventh heaven ever droped us we figured  out what bothered us.We called our love sometimes, ' essential ' love, so unreal beautiful she could.

 

 

 

Love Is not a law such as gravity ?  Love is a law that on thousands of ways teaches trial and error. If your are slave of too much negative emotions, and you want too much of it or you want to give to much of it, then your inner peace gets unbalanced.

 

 

 

There was a time when we named our love encounters, in between the wooden walls to the forest, the blessed year 1994, ten years back.

 

 

 

-Falling star I, which had caught the little bee in the room earlier, was now naked and held my dearest in the middle of all dimmensions  so soft, that she melted with the things from the forest around us. Willeke loved what she and I during our walks in the forest had seen and talked about strange or funny annecdots . We committed love not readily to the finish, but our energy waves eroded each other off and interfered on the same and different wavelengths ...  that the things of the day we wanted to say came yet without searching and forgetting.

 

 

 

Unrepeatable, unrememberable words, were thus taken off the air and picked out each other's common  spirit. These moments again seemed current eternal moments offered to tem a sea, a Bliss.

 

 

 

Maybe this came also called by what she wrote about the ' shooting stars '. About the how and the why you should, however, not going to do scientific at  such a moments. 24/10/94

 

 

 

-Deep Purple ... we played each other while undressing. If you believe in the eternal, you can caress each other with looks. ' Sweet-child-in-time ', sweet child at a good time  ', non-aggressive, huge powerful tones and their instrumental orgasm coincided with ours. Two people and who knows how many angels, adept love during hours of seconds, which between us in were made. 27/10/94

 

 

 

Personality versus soul vegetarian dinner party first as a hell of a spectacle, what mixed emotions and feelings her personality  wanted to regain her spirit ... but it only works the other way around. Tension within 20

 

 

 

I had to have as much patience with my words like as with my fingers, when her her mind was overloaded.      She said some brilliant things about the honesty of what people can feel for each other. (4/11/94)

 

 

 

-Love with every part of your body.  In a triangle where you as men don’t send nasty feelings,  this does not disrupt telepathically-except if the woman gets shorter to the new guy. At such moments the original man who can get no more with his wives  as a Heron on a dead tree in the Sahel ... I can imagine.(7/11-8/11)

 

 

 

-A rainy november day Nothing cold, nothing warm outside. We talked during eating ' ' on the origin of the natural love oil. The ride through the forest adapted our magnetic fields to each other ... of too much to a too little ... who was it too little this time? To stick ones hand just between her or his legs  and your voice and the rest, strengthens the energy level on  those good moments. We do not take old or weak energy  inside.  Sometimes it seems like we have a perfect triangle, sometimes there is still much to be eliminated. Sometimes she meassures my energy one last time, to know if she is not ' used ', without a strong superhuman desire behind it. We went inside and the desire for one another burned down in an aura of warm autumn colours that we constantly exchanged with each other. Then it was 14 hours, we came back outside to 2330. The seconds in between were not a dream, but a reality of another matter, a very slight matter. The time flew away from us and left us behind so that we each had to explore energy in each of our cells. That energy was not the same any more at midnight. A very special something, that space that we shared, filled (not the room but our ' space ' that we had built up in those hours), that space made us to one soul. The distinction will still have felt our spiritual world. Where did the energy we built up to it ... for what was they used?

 

 

 

To our sexcells who have to share they share and then split again ... or to the space? What was that energy, even more than the place where who knows what end of each new beginning of who knows who met who? This energy was the fruit of all pronounced words, sentences, and stories from the past that were looking to the future, a fruit under the purple light of the sheets, which we used as a tent ...Now ... to meet. It seemed as if there were magnetic fields from outside us, witch synchronised with our love. Suppose that in anti-matter, which consists of a hugh intensity, density of light; exists  an energy of  light, which is symmetrical to ours ... and imagine that we achieve such energy from within the centre of our being; in doing so, do we get closer together and then dwell ... in a kind of ' zone of conception of ideas or people '? Such a moment, is it not the time not the time when the spiritual world of a woman subconsciously decides to invite  ‘someone’ genetically in ?  If you do not find the door to the the heart of a woman is not only finds, you will stay trapped in obsession. Not everything is to explain as drift and voluptuousness, certainly not for people who are looking for more ... to matter and light ... to light matter. A joke or a smile are for example already light matter.

 

 

 

In love you should take the time to experience ... and let the good memories in in time ... the first touch on my arm, the first kiss, the greater desire of the larger tongue against the smaller, a tension to hold or take away stress in a body part ... so you learn slowly when life in small things, can be great. When she is gone, gone again is  that day, I saw her still on my legs; responding to my question: "what do you think that the true meaning of life is Madam"? She then became very soft and from somewhere very deep she replied without fear and with very much love in her voice and eyes, while the music of Moricone played: "you will never know the true meaning befor you experience it". Oh, how I love this woman! Ones cells can burn after her visit.

 

 

 

14/11-15/11

 

 

 

-I Never got her that soft ... and never did she engulf my cells with her too much. Probably my organism with that overflow has made a special ‘elexiertje’ (liquor). These moments were completely wordless, even at the orgasms, the volume button on ' si lent ', ' silent ', ' st ill '. The expected acceleration of the sounds were added togeter in a second orgasm. My musical notes this time were rather jerkily, as too much of a desire and a sense of loss that I it had been been more difficult over the past few days to sublimate a number of things and therefore I was a less good singer today. ' Sublimate ', a beautiful word: desire and lust without emotions in a mess; convert it into energy which next time you can discharge heavenly way with all humans and animals mating sounds. How is it possible that all your cells than can glow so after that love was fully embraced? You come in a state where you no longer ask and think, but of a kind of chemical burn.

 

 

 

That night I received another late-evening visit. It was the first and only time she came back one more time that same day. The meeting of our energy still hung in the wooden area and brought us again very briefly at each other and led to intense touches of lower abdomen to abdomen and to magical orgasms.

 

 

 

After the soundless and spasmodic orgasms from this morning, I hunted now bewildering, higher and higher sounds of a heavenly power and my seed galloping in and to join her body.

 

 

 

I lifted my head as high as a horse in the space and tried to snif the discharged energy particles back from space. I was breathing and I was air.

 

 

 

28/11/94

 

 

 

-Mirorday I woke up, stretched out my back like a lion and saw her loving Elfish eyes that rayed in too the bedroom. She laughed very promising and quickly went for a female pee. I was satisfied that she still had not noticed the mirrors that I had installed the night before. Above and left and right of the bed, the mirors  glistened at me. I came out of bed to avoid she would see the mirrors to soon. This had really to become an unforgetable

 

 

 

22

 

 

 

dimensional surprise. The third dimmension, the aura that one makes together. I blindfolded her and left her on our love nest. When I took of the blindfold, in every corner of the room we viewed each other, there in our wooden cottage in the forest. We touched each other and our friends in the mirrors. In certain circumstances it is something quite a bit to get used to yourself and the varying orientations of glow in your eyes. I told ...

 

 

 

I told her about the dreams that I had and the book I would write and as very often she replied me like the sweetest Princess.

 

 

 

Why does one need half a  life to come to such a stage of intuitive life, I wondered?

 

 

 

Then there was the image of her sometimes admiring spouse who looked fine, but his image went over into that of a suffering man. About images that you can see in other writings, however, more. I asked that she  would tell him that whatever the old laws between man and wife also expect of him, that in everything he does and thinks and feels, he should believe in himself, and that he is a living representative of a new attitude in a man to be admired. Forbidden fruits do not need to be not dangerous and harmful all the time, they can, but ...  When all persons concerned can continue to express themselves and do not get stuck in self-pity stuations. Maybe she would not to tell him that, but I  maybe signalled it telepathically  at the same time.

 

 

 

She came and I ... then stopped ... because there was too much energy in my head that was not actually pure mine. I was not close enough on her vibration because too much information about someone else and because there are still too many  in my head because the book I finished reading earlier. I wanted to wait on other images and energies, before I continued loving’ my girl’.  Yet there was a requirement not to save my sex waves, but to express ... without it my still impure vibrations would stay ... that's why I left her womb earlier and let my desire float through her hands as a way of exit.

 

 

 

We had better go hiking in the forest that day first, then the trees would have pulled our forces right to heaven. Now we did this after and we had deep conversations about feelings from the past, the present and the future. How young and old around us felt about themselves also. About the hide and seek play that people do to each other ... because they are afraid of themselves or others or of losing their belongings or their ' name '. About women who lose their self-confidence because they think they are not attractive enough more. But ' this lady ', here now again temporarily with me, will not let her freeze in such illussions, because she knows that there is so much more in life.  This lady ' was sometimes all women for me 1/12/94

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-Such a day on which you totally love the blessed year 1994 a year of powerful growth to the very identity of each of us, spreading it’s blessings.  The old, inhibiting power of visions of others and yourself, should not remain in your body ... certainly not in a love triangle. That's really where a good diet starts with. With by  love regained peace in your own. While we were still in the car, the desire for each other was so great that we skipped our walking in the forest –ouverture.  "Let's this sentiment, this time, not let it slip away, "she said, while I was           23

 

 

 

convinced that it would at any moment one could desire, it could to come back. First we let our animated bodies play their passionate language. The mine was convinced that real love can make you ' open ' in a variety of ways. If you  are ‘open’ you no longer will fight  useless battles ... but observe yourself  and let the things sometimes come to your encounter befor you counter them.

 

 

 

Wiht which guilty feelings one you tries to to load you up ...The HEART IS NOT a BEAST of BURDEN for THOUGHTS and EMOTIONS ... try not to get to paralyzed by others , maintain your actual self.                          We drove out the dark clouds that some of our educators had put in our heads and  talked freely about possible seductive moments in the future, which perhaps had their roots in this day. The mirrors showed two living sculptures, penetrated, soaked in  lust and love, free of charges.

 

 

 

The Sun disappeared so quickly that  time again ceased to exist. Just as it seemed there was a problem with her lovehill.  But there was no real problem.

 

 

 

It was only her body that expressed that it wanted to be in better condition. Or maybe it was the energy of my possible ' other woman'-test that had sliped in her mind and ' clitjes '  have a whole different way of thinking  and feeling and they don’t like our rational traps.

 

 

 

If you then wonder why they lost their passion, you're absurd. Or actually not, because in such situations we learn from them.

 

 

 

After the explosion of the blockages,(see, I told you so), we left the love nest and we cooked up a vegetarian meal, and we took a glass of wine. (got from the dolphine woman)

 

 

 

One time she seemed  to have very very need of tears , superfluous weight and thoughts that wanedt to leave her ... a process that we all know, but one of which we do not always appreciate the function.  Back in bed we laughed with a particular book and we worked ourselves partly individually, partly through a world where we could feel the energy of our bodies and our fantasy worlds clearly.  The two at the same time was also possible, as it turned out. What she could do with the last part of my backbone ! When she looks at my forehead with her fingers, she really opens an unprecedented ' dimmension ' in me ... or when she licks my nipples and lower ... I lose myself in the cosmos. The way in which she loves my lower antenna ... defies all dreams. 5/12/94

 

 

 

-The day I walked through the forest with her on my shoulders

 

 

 

We collected some water at the source. I took a shower, meanwhile she showered in the Sun. The glow she brings me, goes through soul and body and sometimes it seems to me as if she fails,to share this with her husband. Some moments she becomes the rays she sends.                                                                                   24

 

 

 

I never talked with her breasts like today, I freed them while she was sitting in the seat in front of the sun.

 

 

 

 After the tenderness and the kisses we went to bed and darkened the room a little. I dressed her out and while we were standing we made wonderfully convinced finger and lip and mouth and skin music. Sometimes with one hand along behind, while the other constantly challenged the energy from the wet pussy. I lowered myself and my mouth again and looking for the treasure between her legs. When we finally touched the bed, I hit my arms around the fruit bowl that was her pelvis(bekken) was and went on with nibling and tasting and sucking and so much more, indescribable good-doing,  that she also did with me.

 

 

 

At one point we felt each other's being so entwined that I threw her legs up in the air and slightly jumpte up and down, while I kept her fruit bowl  in a grip.  So we reached a top and the  under-conscious  part of our orgasm, of which I literally felt it blew air through my blood and whole body. The accompanying sounds in the ether, therefore came from very far away. At such moments a loveshymmne of breaths varying from moment to moment.       While that dream of mine played with my very smooth, healthy boy and I teased her pusy.  While I had a beautifull panorama on her rich nature, I said that such a clitie seemed like a small dickie.  Her appreciation washed over me and when I put ' him ' back I felt her tension escalating  in a great depth.  While stroking each other's soul, while we effortlessly came upwith  words, it all made life back to something sacred ... and you know what that means ' Holy ' healing ... health. People who are attracked too each other, but who are afraid of contact because of to much fear, their hair should begin their to curl and get a strange colour, so that they would recognize each other and they won’t have to play hide and seek unnecessarily. You feel after all best with whom you can be open and with whom something can grow. 12/12/94

 

 

 

-The day that my car had flat tire

 

 

 

Is a repressed sensuality is  the real reason of melancholy? We are asking  it ourselves  sometimes when we see and feel many personal and relational suffering around us.

 

 

 

It's already bad enough that world politics creates such suffering, some of us do to each other and themselves added to it.

 

 

 

In the morning I still shouted out some criesof someone with repressed needs and she came ready with the convenience of a young girl who jumps over puddles. I was far removed from the one that she saw ... like a bird high above a canyon, looking at a flow of thoughts  of which I possessed none over.

 

 

 

The rest of the day I was in very good mood ... and in the evening I discovered again how welcome she can make me feel . 22/12/94

 

 

 

-She folded her clothes so strictly that time

 

 

 

Sometimes when she's leaving him, it is a little too hard for him who I wanted to dedicate a book today.          25 Sometimes she has that special light heat in her eyes. I can image scenes at her place. Then there follow words such as " must you really keep doing this" for he sees them leave and then she takes a bit of him to me. I like to lie in bed with her and talking to her in order to grasp together that sometimes exactly eternal moments of our growth. Today “she kept it for me "she said about the power of that ignited in her body..After a while I moved several times standing up and let myself relax but bouncing with her in my hands while my breath and cries and whispers were not stiff or like a cat in the wood, but rather a catch up of lost, not sublimated needs… .               We tasted the homemade jam from her garden and discussed a book. 27/12//94

 

 

 

-Rezinneke and the small hole in my slip

 

 

 

Observing someone after you haven’t seen her in two days, gives a bit of an amazing picture, if you don’t encounter the same vibrations of two days ago any more.  Everyone's energy changes, of course, always but missing someone plays a large role ans inequal levels of energy do. One can lose a part of his or hers energy, drained away to moaners of all kind. . However, we grew further through the day on our work, while we  commented on questions of colleagues. What I haven’t invented to get some life in that brewery the world is.

 

 

 

During lunch words  were no longer needed. My love taster naturally, put his head through the slipgat and began his love-oil dripping.  Her unstoppable desire was so unlimited like mine ... like a mother of two a table further could observe. It was a pity that we had to work a few hours, because my love oil ran through the hole of my slip along my leg down.

 

 

 

After work a little thread of my slip clamp in the lips of my pecker. While I drove, she opened my fly and tried to save him from his plight. Her tongue brought us all in heaven who waited on us, a sky that would last from 1600 hours till 0200 in the morning. It did not stop raining that day.

 

 

 

When we arrived we did not manage to step out ... not because it was raining, but because the UNO car was completely filled with a love aura that later also filled my wooden spaceship, took possession of us.                  Why is it always so difficult when you want to write about something two days later?

 

 

 

The acts and images are still more or less present, ' accessible ' ... but the words that provoked laughter or enlightened those philosophical thoughts ... or the words, that pure poetry,… not stick. Maybe because you're not all days together or maybe because this should be to nurture a love of that depth if you want ... but I don't believe in ...Maybe to the next days experience intensity. Maybe because there is so much all day and so many questions going through your head. Do we have to ask all the questions and get all the answers we want or need to know?

 

 

 

26

 

 

 

Would she ever come and live with me for example?

 

 

 

A married woman with children and a husband or a lover should be free to choose where they are letting themselves settle down.. You should not make demands or going to start blackmailing ... it wouldn’t help any way.

 

 

 

Love is a beautiful something when every cell of your body feels each other's inner feelings and understands. Then an energy is released which is food like eating and drinking  and dreaming…it gives rest. Love can create an aura full of known and unknown presences of energies around people.

 

 

 

Every time I come in her ' world from below ', oh I love sitting there anyway sometimes so nice long, her womb sucking and forcing to suck in, and giving off ... every time she take me and I her if I hair, seems to us the first time, we explore each other's mountains and valleys for more life. Never learnt about those things in school.

 

 

 

What should I do with a woman who sometimes forgets the words we spoke then? If I what I feel and experience with her was to describe in detail, I'd remove something of that delicious down between us. Three days after this meeting and on this morning of the first of January, I still heard the deep sexual and other desires in her throat. This afternoon we will visit our families ... and tomorrow we gather with comrades from work  to celebrate the new year. I will tell you how this last, although fun, expired: overwalmd with smoke and decibels and impressions of others under alcohol , was not a sound basis for ruffle our intïutieve encounters and intense way of sex. You can in such a case, best wait. 27/12/94

 

 

 

-Her black dress although she looked sweet in it, her black doily, we could not relax ourselves to get over our stage of feeling. Even licking was not as really sensed. I stood on the border of coming. At times you have so many heavy weight of others in your aura that  their energy slows you down . Who is is actually excited by who and on what we telephatische intersections or crossroads are we at times? The calm and the depth of our consciousness came back after a time. The way up was open again.

 

 

 

The sea inside me, was one without waves ... I could again look deeply to the woman before me. No other telepathic interaction between her and me then there seemed to be those moments. Willeke was at such a point of indifferent balance ... without contradictions. Till her face came full of desire again ... from where?

 

 

 

Sometimes love seems to have the effect of an ecological unblocker and does love ' clogging ' disappear. As in the morning you can have your brightest moments in bed , but first analysing the unresolved misery of the energy of certain people from the day before (after analysing it leaves) ... at least if it’s not you yourself who is the problem.

 

 

 

27

 

 

 

Some people actually mean good but do not understand what's in their minds, they have no overview on their lives and in many ways are required to limit their inner and outer's development. They fool themselves with too much food and spirits or smoke, old plants instead of fresh things. They do not know how delicious and enjoyable they could be if they could remove the contradictions in their heads and itself more with  social and philosophical bases and  intakes. Does he who knows she is with me know why she is with me ? Perhaps because of the waiving of others which in turn by others refrain. 2/1/95

 

 

 

-Snow, nothing but snow

 

 

 

Snow fell out of the sky as we had  long-dreamed ahead. If she had followed her own will and heart, we had for the first time be able to sleep a full night together Her husband made an attempt to give us something  by calling, but the tape recorder did not went that far as until he had finished his actual message. Can one woman and two men have so much? The more questions that I asked, the more answers I would get. 5/1//95

 

 

 

Fill each other's cells-She sometimes fills all of my cells with what I need. Looking at the way she admits herself to exist is my greatest pleasure. There is no point to explain this to someone else. I can make her  feel her very own energy, because she als ‘wears’  other forces and concerns than her own. She is a Princess, lost in a story that she herself doesn't understand. You melt in her skin while she gives you her fruits such as a tree does. She is more capable than you think. She also drinsk me sometimes. She leavesfor her family members, who all now  that we love each other and she tries to bend the negative old thinking into openes, but t mostlyshe  bypasses this negative because she gets so tired of it. She was not yet facing a situation such as those occurring for her husband ... Should she be terrified for this, if he also had a lover ? ... she  expected it maybe for years after the first slipper, but he remains mono ... as I also provisionally. Aren’t  partners are not always afraid that once they have had someone else and their ' fixed ' partner knows that, that he or she is going to do the same and they are therefore always becoming a little or a lot looking to counter the pain thereof in advance with another ?

 

 

 

We can know support short-sighted people not as easy as we would wish. Short-sighted are the people who do not like living a lot. Those  people  maybe say we talk like fools. 13/1/95

 

 

 

-Intense love and stories  A full moon, two young people of nearly forty, and lying in each other's arms, discover the eternal youth of their bodies while they undress each other. They allow each other  to sleep and assume passion will be awake. But look, what really happened? I slowly slipped inside, she hoisted me on board, to the rhythm of an eternal moment eye contact, I was moving slow on the movements of the host dancing with her lower body. I went deep to where everything always starts. I went almost all the way out, pushed her a little up and images of new life came into my head. The fury of a thousand linxen chased through my body and ran from my back by my head and thus possibly weather the in too the cosmos  ...forever emitted to stand with other mixing forces. She kept me a while lovingly inside. I told her so much fantasizing about her and a thousand years ago in the form of when she lived as one of our ancestors . I, the Hunter, who then met her and denied her feminine traits and she getting more and more control overmy life. Like when that day that the cavemen neighbour discovered the fire and she did not need my warm animal skins no longer.  Perhaps then I invented the pen for her, master of computer, ‘thousand years ago, haha.

 

 

 

16/1/95

 

 

 

-Soup in the village with the onion Tower

 

 

 

The door was opened by the Lady of the House ... which welcomed me at the same time, impulsive and tender. She was working in the kitchen. As a princess she puts a lot of affection in her soup next to the  affection she shows for her children and friends for her husband etc. She had helped her husband years earlier a lot in the horticulture, but those times were over. I was wondering about the alphabetical order of the Bach Flowers  ... what a wonderful English names too ... and her full bookcase  above her. Amidst all this she touched me as you touch someone you really like to have. I ate her soup and knew that at her place with her alone, no other kind of lovemaking would take place. Maybe she she was afraid of breaking an important ritual for her husband.

 

 

 

I enjoyed her soup and later on the day she was my guide on the sunny outside.

 

 

 

Once back in the forest,  my chalet lay in the rush autumnal Sun of January. The cold air was in our lungs, but the heat within seduced us in the direction of the seat in the winter sun. A winter sun that burned through the window. It's amazing how some people find inner and outer composure when they sign in for each other. Her pores were open and her lips as young as in her youth. I showed her handsome sisters bathing in sunlight and all I mentioned to them, I also thought: they must be aware of their own chest souls that day, to see her nipples and nipple fields ... what a  harvest.  Hills swollen waiting until I got to the turrets sucked. Then I made her her nek explode 'somewhere she could not resist and stand the effects of banter of my mouth anymore. We moved to bed and just kept exchanging energy. Her lady was stiff and as soon as she started her own finger game for a change;  the sun burned in the room and reflected her light on our body, almost as bright as you can imagine bright. Sharp sunlight between trees for example.                                     29

 

 

 

I wish I had that show from that world on the other side of the cumshot could understand. The language of orgasms reminds me of a kind of secret messages of a life form that you are leaving. The love really businesses is a something that you only good if you can about the things Marvel can. A fusion of poetry, love and light and loving bodies, does time disappear 19/1/95

 

 

 

-The moments after that good discussion with three

 

 

 

He was too ill to calm down that day with his wife. I saw the sadness in his eyes, but I know by experience that each must overcome the sorrow in his own. Neither she, yet I, see ' him ' as ' too much ' or ' too little ' this or that ...he is his perfect ' him ', as everyone with his own imperfections, perfect its own.

 

 

 

As a man who should be praised for its tolerance. We hope sometimes that he gets more confident and finds someone else. He  actually learns to get rid of things which in another time era and a few generations might be found normal.  A childhood experience with three(he and a married couple) in bed, predicted him his future already.

 

 

 

That he may find his inner contact back in any case, because his condition weighs not only on him. He is the powerful worker who admired by his family and with which they could stand on their own two feet . One should learn to speak not only with ones parents and not only about practical things. For example, her parents knew nothing of she and me ...  nine years long. We went in the evening, to have a drink  with her in the middle ... it became clear to us that a wife and her man, in a specific period really only are intended for each other ... as the third does an input with a different kind of symmetry or symphony. It’s not more difficult than recognizing false notes in a piece of music actually. After the profound and playful, the mix of a new kind of overwhelming excitement, but also female reluctance when he in turn as someone who came, a bit suffering like.  First the next day in the evening, after a pleasant breakfast  we realized that it might be best not to be repeated. She showed me some nature photos as if she represented represented nature still not enough. "The biggest surprise of the (Ardennes) forest is the encounter with yourself", stood on one of the pictures. Perhaps we should have continued meeting each other at their place like this or maybe she did not have to isolate hersel from himmust the months thereafter. I can understand that in many triangles with not a word about those things is mentioned.To love her  is sometimes a whole tour de force if the influence from at her home pull her  under her energy.

 

 

 

In the other case when she’s with me, she feels no tension.  On difficult moments grow above myself  when I  begin to stroke her. I always wonder where I always find the words in bed.

 

 

 

And why I forget those words again when she's gone ... even if I begin writing directly after.  It's a bit like with humor ... fleeting.

 

 

 

30

 

 

 

Why should we harm someone  by loving illegitimately ? Because that is passed on for centuries? Because we are afraid of? A love you always come against in the form where you need it. I never wanted to divorce, but the questions I asked me when my first relation came to an end could only be solved by this kind of relationship.

 

 

 

The things you ask yourself, amid suffering  later in practice ,the answers come. A love grows even outside the unit structure that marriage is and should and must be, also via triangles. Such love is constantly growing to more awareness that you belong to each other ... or ... to the realization that someone has to drop out.

 

 

 

' They ' tell us a lot. That we should be competitive and should work harder and harder every day as fools. They tell us that the Stat is neutral and trade unions our only hope and form of protection ... and that we have to stay together to death. In fact, people and structures are all vehicles to something else ... If the engine explodes on the road. ...

 

 

 

-Commentaries

 

 

 

I could continue with hundreds of pages telling the story of my love and me, day after day for ten years.Impossible retracing the contents of the long conversations with or without phone. Impossible from our travesl later to review hear in detail all our letters and poems or birthday cards or written or on prints. I'll go on tell anyone writing on the bases of what comes in too my head.

 

 

 

The whole story was actually already fixed in my youth when I was allowed to choose a painting school to write an essay about.  I chose ' déjeuner sur l'herbe '. Who could have guessed that such a painting, of two men and a woman, painted on a picnic, could manifest themselves in my life. Then later that movie with Willeke Vanamelroy about that love triangle, which I also remember lfrom long before when I knew my Willeke.

 

 

 

My Willeke, so southern-European in appearance as in a novel I once read. One day certin the things you remember come together as if they were all in advance planned by your subconscious mind or by  the interaction witch the spiritual world  provides.

 

 

 

She told me once that a butterfly kisses a flower softer coast than a bee.

 

 

 

She calls bean soup ' boenesoep '.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was then February kil, but there was already something of a February Sun above the other side of the forest. They had a lot of missing each other and on the home front a lot was not digested by him. Sex that only has to do with habit willnot last. If the love has to do with communication and feeling more passion for each other someone disapears out the triangle. To ga and sleep apart, after the revival the triangle procures the marital situation in the beginning for a few months, is obviousness to people having experienced those things.

 

 

 

The on other grounds based relationship that she had with me, threatened to go down otherwise.

 

 

 

Guilt and lack of self-esteem, something that can be contagious, she took it from there and if I could convert it not alwys ... I started to find myself guilty as well on the long term. If only adults could maintain that cheerful unconscious way in which children exist. By keeping yourself ' light ' you keep coming not only shorter in your own being ... you also make many positive evolutions in your surroundings possible. People suddenly do what they think they can not all of a sudden. If they strike up a conflict for example. Everyone ' sacrifices ' something for the progress of others. If you have someone really sweet and you can detach, you suck him or her even more in your direction. Related souls understand that, they know that love is a special kind of energy.

 

 

 

From love liking to drink water one can live almost a whole day , only in the afternoon your belly starts to protest from your inner discontentement.  Living like a love couple, day in and day out, lay not on our road. On the duration you start  desiring for that kind of life, with or without those you enchanted. Would the enchantment disappear if there happend to be someone else in my life ? I was getting less and less in my energy now also because I had the parental responsibility for my children again? Would our relation move towardsanother side, what was happening with our  incredible band?

 

 

 

I tried to make clear too Willeke how I felt about it by writing a mini novel.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

novel for the red man

 

 

 

Sitt had a name who could count. ' Silent in Times of Trouble '. He grew up in ‘a reserve for end-of-life ' in the United States raised as an  Indians, as he called himself and his fellow sufferers.

 

 

 

One day when he was sitting under a tree in front of him he met a white tourist from a small European country. She had not seen him first sitting in his blue jeansuit.

 

 

 

"Hello, I'm Sitt and I sit", as he proposed himself to her. "Hey, my name is Sophie", she had said.

 

 

 

"And have you found many wisdoms Sophie"? The question of this man with his red skin and his strong black hair ,some gray, was a kind of surprise as the first palpable movement of a child in the womb is one.

 

 

 

"I believe so", she had said. He had looked at her amused ... that older white woman with no gray hair. To her question what his name meant, he had replied that he might be related with the genes of Sitting Bull, but that he was not such a warrior in his daily life: "my name means as much as ' he who keeps his mouth as others quarell with each other. I'm also a leaf of the tree where Sitting Bull came from, but I do not fight in his way. Times have changed ...; There are different forms of fights that are fought,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I only speak with people after they have fought a battle once again. What fight do you have behind the back "? The gestures with which he had accompanied his words, had invited her to join him on the old tree stump under the new tree.

 

 

 

"My fight is not yet over," she said. "Recurring periods of rest and unrest have made me a refugee. I have difficulties coping with daily life, that’s why from time to time I travel and look for new impressions. In my daily life every day,I am  a refugee in search of his daily OASIS ".

 

 

 

"From what do you run away", had asked Sitt. "You know," Sophie had said; "How should I explain that you now"? ' Strange how directly one  feels in the company of certain people ', she had thought after he had come back with an answer: "for you to interpret anything, you have to understand the events in your life right ... at the same time you will observe them otherwise as when they actualy happened and shortly afterwards.

 

 

 

You do not need to tell me those events even, they don't have much importance any more and don’t start chewing and rechewing them again and again. Try just to go on living your life and try to find in any way yourself again and find out if you are walking in circles and especially if you still have the strength to step out those circles. Perhaps tit isn’t so simpel getting out of your ‘wheel’ ".

 

 

 

"If you get up in the morning, in a symbolic way, you  begin your day with a number of plans and intentions. Some days everything works pretty nice, other days in the evening, not much about these plans got executed as mental fatigue drives you in your spiritual cage back again to have a good sleep.

 

 

 

Sometimes in the middle of the night or even when you’re not asleep, events or words that were spoken get a whole different meaning than when you observed them ... and then you start to make other plans for the next day ... and everything threatens to start over again.

 

 

 

Those around you often sit in other realms than those of yourself and give you not only impulses,

 

 

 

but you can also tire you.  We are all caught in rules and laws which we see as best as possible to muddle through. On the duration after all the damage suffered to remain healthy the art is to know what your mind is trying to make you clear. In what ways your mind does that is sometimes obvious, sometimes a big confusing mystery which one rarely understands ". "I know that Sitt, but continue".

 

 

 

"Everyone is an electrical resistance through which many private  and energy of others flows.

 

 

 

The people with the slightest resistance take the most of their environment, making them look more affected or enjoy than others. They do need a balance, indifferent balance , that keeps them in their own energy ... only then can they support the streams of others ".

 

 

 

33

 

 

 

"Maybe we are an atomic anti-matter combustion process that sends atoms with high light quality in the ether. The less suffering, the better the atmosphere in which we live.

 

 

 

This chemical and physical process reaches a ' full ' of consciousness when we as bundling of so many types of mineral, vegetative and biological consciousness, become more than just a calculating brain; a brain that must plan for biological and social survival. Our brain is a processor for our knowledge, our feelings try not to get stuck in negative emotions because otherwise it’s no use to ty and love.

 

 

 

Our mind reflects on the connection between our inner relationship, our ' inner communication ' and our other types of relationships ".

 

 

 

"Life is not always easy as you know. We enherited psychogentic things from our ancestors ... in fact we are still in them, but we are other combinations ... and that must be so; the circumstances and the characters of ' romantic love ' always prepare for these theatres about’ rest and fight’ . Evolution, Darwinism, would actually need to have a psychogenetisch sequel that complementsor corrects  the vision of  psychoanalysm.

 

 

 

When my great-grandmother was pursued by an Indian hater she was  injured, I was actually a piece of consciousness in each cell of hair. No wonder and yet a miracle that I now have so much fiddling with where the aggression in people is coming from ... it was already decided  in the blueprint and the events of then.              The situation in which I grew up did the rest.

 

 

 

Poverty, unemployment, loss of the bond with nature, alcoholism ....

 

 

 

The man who loses the connection with nature is like a man who loses the connection with the female.

 

 

 

Many of the conflicts between people have not only to do with the social political games of the power groups, but also with those wonderful primal energy between our legs.

 

 

 

That primal energy can, however, also turn in a destructive jealousy if we are confronted with biological competition. Sometimes that  competition does not even have to be biological in the form of a rival; suddenly pops up a spiritual friend  in a relationship between man and woman and is the love fight fought with even greater pains. Two spiritual friends, with also a passionate organic bond between their both, are more likely to lose each other fysically when lesser spiritual relations from the past(or new ones) still weigh on the relationship. "

 

 

 

Sophie had listened very carefully too his slowly spoken words, and she decided he must have had a har life.   But she too was not intended to ask him for the details of the events from his life.

 

 

 

"I recognize many things in what you say", she had then suggested. "I believe that the classical notions of ' eternity ' and die and being born, must  be revised.

 

 

 

34

 

 

 

When I  analyze my life; I notice that life ' suddenly ' becomes much richer in observations and experiences.    Also my way of perceiving, then changes. But, the more I transform myself and my feelings openly; the more one breaks me off. Maybe you are right when you say that the things of the past must remain not be thaougt over rendlessly and I talk too much about what has been and I have my own cycle, I not have seen through yet. Actually, we hope in the lives of each other that we or she change, sometimes it works and we complete each other.  Nevertheless, everyone plays the role of  his original genetic blueprint and follows his educational experiences which take a lifetime long.

 

 

 

"Sometimes I wonder", Sophie had prosecuted; "is being happy not just genetically determined “?

 

 

 

Children love their parents and must at the same time dispel the unprocessed emotions and spiritual and material unfulfilled aspirations of their parents. Later those children form couples and the game starts again, but with old as well as with new elements. Those new elements are the transformed old, or the old self. For example, a person can still always be so stingy as his father or grandmother or just the opposite, wasteful ... or a balance between species.

 

 

 

Life, and in particular the circumstances in which we live, seem to be forcing the approximate line of our blueprint to follow. A part of our ggetting ill sick is to be explained by that.

 

 

 

Life with falsehood and not resilient enough in front of others, can also physically weaken us ... although some others get more strong from it, but not in a positve way (such people they use the things that come from your heart in a premeditated way, a way that often only suits them. Perhaps such people exist for the others to learn to be more cautious and less compassionate? ")

 

 

 

It had been quite for a while under the tree where the red man had been sitting.

 

 

 

He had taken the floor again.

 

 

 

"What do you think of yourself, ' probably wise woman with the green heart ', ' probably wise woman with the green heart '"? "Maybe you can change your name in Wigh. Wise, Intelligent and Goodharted. As someone I'd would welcome in my ' wigh-wam ' want to, but I already have someone in my wigwam and that wigwam should be left standing ... so we continue, but better here under the tree sitting around and talk.” ” I have never lived in a wigwam. That I would have to try actually. " she answered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

35

 

 

 

“Oh”, he said, “

 

 

 

Why are we always looking for the meanings of life, people like we ? I mean that we only can answer the many why's if we dare to experience life in all its heights and lowland ... preferably without to much harm.  The why’s come  in our dreams or in the morning or  at other times that we actually ‘are’ on the wright time n place and ‘ray’

 

 

 

 I believe in a kind of telepathically connected-vessels-system between people; with different types of ' transport systems ' for the different kinds of energies depending on the types of liquids, gases, or waves or types of light ".

 

 

 

"And I who thought I was complicated”. “ I try to exercise in the art of observing and interpreting the images and thoughts that I have and the words I hear or what I see happen. The essence of the words and phrases we speak daily or dialogues which is often very different than they were intended; although therefore no lies therefor. Sometimes we make things happen in the life of others and if we had known befor, we would not have cooperate with introducing these things. Yet our statements or actions were not ' error ' as we might think; No, for specific reasons  everything is as it is ... and there even with a good interpretation of the telepathic system behind, one could not or can not understand. One always needs his energy for the new things to happen.

 

 

 

No, I'm already contented if I feel my consciousness again and again giving me opportunities to grow and obtain more insight into what I call myself my total philosophy ' in ' energetic, an insight into the connections between the individual and the collective in each dimmension of life: philosophical, political, social, psychological, cultural and so on. The more you're aware, the better you can feel things, sometimes even predict. Important for me to know what else I can handle and in what proportions the happiness of myself depends from that of others .   One can not dialogue with everyone on the same level, it would exhaust you trying to always talk on the same level.     With a massage, or in an other dimension, sex, the same is also true ; If you do not feel enough inner and outer attraction ,don’t continue. . If such a thing in the long term keeps repeating, then stop there; or you will become at the hands of others or submissive or  a slave of property-fantasies. Of course you can also just keep comrade, even though it sometimes is better that you come across each other not too much more, or not even any more.

 

 

 

For me  philosophy has become more important than the vulnerability between people.

 

 

 

I think there are already billions of metaphors in my life in my head. Some I write down”.

 

 

 

36

 

 

 

"I also write, mainly poems, but I publish nothing” said Wigh.

 

 

 

"Yes Sitt, red man. There are so many types of people as types of tree bark ".

 

 

 

"You know what I think Wigh, I believe people know from each other on what moments their kinds of interest for each other in every possible way is less  ... and this not only by physical and verbal communication. But because this one does not understand this or that so good as the other one, there are differences which actually not only are the result of events or pronounced words. This causes more pain for those who are not aware of the lesser interest of the other. Moreover  a man is a fire that is extinguished slowly ... consequently as one ages and ailments are progressing and attraction is on decrease ... much spirituality can come and take the place to compensate the lesser physical pool. If one has never made efforts to become a more spiritual human being, likely one has more change to just go and live like strangers next to each other. How people act towards others; even on professional level; also in their personal life has an influence and comes in many cases back in a beneficial way if you did not act  against the energetic patterns.

 

 

 

People closly connected have interactions mke changing alliances. Try not to send someone too much in a certain direction when you’r not sure with who you are dealing.

 

 

 

37

 

 

 

One has not the power to do everything for everyone around oneself.  Restrain your forces.  If you do not have that strength, it is the responsibility of that man himself to get out of its problems to come, if not those of still others. As the storm then again sometimes lies down comes such a strange silence, such as when someone is dismissed or dies ... If something is behind us with someone, one speaks there after certain time not even more about it. Our mind is comedian. Sometimes a writer has great sense to tell something about his characters, to portray him or her with words ... sometimes he enjoys his inspiration and of that imperfect people in their perfection itself, without writing, sometimes he only really wants to write about if they are dead and he knows how to catch their essence in one good poem or a few sensitive phrases to indicate ".

 

 

 

"I will get us something to drink" asked Sophie. "Do but Mrs Wigh, for me a great big bottle of water, it is far too early for wine". Shebrought with a few bottles of light and dark moisture r and they freshened there their body and soul with it.

 

 

 

"Yes, my best Sitt, theories about the meaning of life are always inadequate, because you have to get through the practice of live as well, but they are necessary if you do not want to run in pernicious circles; either in your private life, either in your own detective-search for the meanings of life.

 

 

 

Without experiences from your inner and outer practice  you can not just believe in ' something '.

 

 

 

Authors who through the three relativity theories of Einstein and the quantum theory atre looking or  the physical state of the ' spiritual ‘energy '  sometimes even use the name "God" for it.

 

 

 

That one abstract word, has already led to so many dogmas through the religions, that a new ' learning ' in the name of  one or other pretentious fellow could be  dangerous. Words you can always add in certain political strategies. I prefer to believe in ' life forces '.

 

 

 

The primal energy of those life forces is according to me the ' love ' in its general meaning. Every person long to reach for his energy, through his skin, his emotions or his sense. Once this ' energy 'acquired, we sometimes find out  to a greater or lesser extent, that that ‘love’also can provoque ill making energies as envy, hatred, resentment, envy, jealousy etc ' (but only in the cas people who did not overcome their negative emotions, fall in love) Some people know ' intuitive ' what this means. They can still follow their inner voice. Others are so buried under all kinds of social information, disinformation and lies or physical and emotional problems, that they areno more enough in touch with the ' words ' or ' images ' from their ' superconscious ' lost. All kinds of situations and feelings have they blocked. The way we think about life determines our mental ' force '.”

 

 

 

"Seems you have a point Sofie. It seems like, in fact, it is also true that there are a lot of people with an  incredible INDETERMINABLE, aimless feeling in their being. But they rely to much on  their fellow human beings to be able to feel who they actually are. They can no longer be silent and feel innerpeace inside.

 

 

 

Working is beautiful, is a form of meditation, but it’s got to have a purpose and sense.

 

 

 

Many people also have a huge need for always being away and busy, nothing wrong with that in itself sometimes, but when they have no more rest in their own no rest, it runs wrong.

 

 

 

Constantly working as flight for the confrontation with yourself and others. Others flight hours in Tv shows from a quality  to start crying about, violence movies full of ' action ', while  their inner action slumbers. The inferiority that the flights is bring over themselves works out on their environment. Everything is constantly not the own fault, but that of the environment. Of course, structurally this is where if you for example are without job is true for a very great part, or when you have to work too hard.

 

 

 

Who wants to do something about his ignorance ? What a rich world under the superficial world is yet to be discovered by us, for example, in political or spiritual areas ?

 

 

 

We realize all that one is not armed against the news that we face every day. One gets disgusted, without good analyses. The system throws all his misery in words and pictures over us and makes think that there is no alternative to a system that produces alienation and war and poverty and ecological disaster. Actually, I would especially like to deal with one form of alienation:

 

 

 

the alienation of man with his own inner : caught between emotions, media and an insufficiently informed , man may not be aware that there is still such a thing as critical awareness or intuitive contact with your own.

 

 

 

If you have enough willpower and you can  loosen yourself of all kinds of unconscious life, you can stimulate your own so that you almost find all the answers and you will find your inner deep as well ... you need to be careful that you're not going to float, of course.                                                                                                             39

 

 

 

Then you get instead of ' dependent ', ' helping ' learning’ I guess. "

 

 

 

You can make someone  thirsty for knowledge, but the initiative to study… "

 

 

 

To what extent they are, outside their individual existence, open also for science, history and art or psychology … will determine the intensity of their relationships. So not only the individual, psychological band determines the intensity of a relationship ... also the link with the collective consciousness is important in a relationship, I find.     In many cases love is conditioned by the living conditions,as if the genetic heritage already isn’t heavy enough to transform.

 

 

 

Why do people find each other attractive? The physical appearance has a heavy symbolic radiance value.       One finds also something ' stronger ' or ' sweeter ' in the other, or something equally strong or sweet.

 

 

 

Those who haven’t learned to exist independently( emotionally )are attracted to someone ' stronger ' and the ‘stronger’  provides stronger than a sense of ' dominance ' ...that kind of balanced results not always continues, because people can change ... and of course at some point no longer they then find satisfaction in their ‘helping ' or ' dominance ' role.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, there are children who have been born, emotionally stronger or different in whatever way (as a completion) because they are combinations of the parents again, that parents are going to confront their own opposites. Children are actually new characters who ofte nare the opposites of their parents.

 

 

 

40

 

 

 

The great thing about the story of love is, that the stronger ones give and take and the more dependents one also. Separations show that one of the two sidespushes  the other in the direction of more confidence in herself or  himself.

 

 

 

Often, the fact is that after a divorce both partners do not find themsleve in a new balanced situation at once and after a certain term again no emotional balance is found or for ever.

 

 

 

Even people who are close to nature and have a good inner communication with themselves and the process of their self-knowledge and knowledge of others, for them it is not always easy as well.  In fact they are again as innocent as a child and at the same time become so wise as an old man or woman ... what gives them a different kind of attraction than the physical, which they also desire ... and they are going to miss on term.

 

 

 

They are people who havelearned to have no heavy emotional dialogues in themselves, when they meet someone on the same frequency as them, the lovelife can reach very high peaks ... they can stay there most of the time. Maybe they can remain on  those peaks if they don’t start another love relationship , which also is a sexual one ... because then you again risk having to obey the ' order ' of the instincts, feel heaviness and the emotional thought process gets  in motion again. The atoms and genes that are responsible for this behavior, have no alternative, because their original building plan was 1 egg and one sperm the urge to pass the own genes.

 

 

 

That's why we in fact long for one beloved.

 

 

 

There is nothing strange going on, as long as you are not looking for a partnerpartner on the basis of emotional insecurity or material reasons. In a lat relationship then again, the relationship between two people can be so strong that either or both of them can tolerate that a certain temporary or two triangular relations within the LAT relationship exist ... but in the end the whole construction will still collapse under the weight of the differences in communication and especially under the weight of the source of the biological competition : the sexuality.          For which all those perhaps avoidable processes are good: to learn what one has to learn after disappointments maybe. To become stronger ... who will eventually know better than you on top of your own self knowledge?

 

 

 

41

 

 

 

Whenever you're in a good relationship, you can admit you love someone else…(but in fact you then don’t need somebody else) if not, something is wrong in the relationship. To find out what's wrong, can b very tiring. I can imagine that married people, mainly because of emotional or practical reasons, get married, all of a sudden they find someone else emotionaly, spiritualy, more attractive.

 

 

 

I can also imagine that this attraction just Platonic.

 

 

 

I can also imagine that the original torque after a certain term no longer kicks the stimulating presence of the ' invisible ' energy of that "third parties" in bed ... and no more sleeping with each other or just only a much quieter sex.

 

 

 

But I can't imagine that the'lonely ' remains third in the triangle ... he or she will look for someone else in most cases.  The pain in the heart causes mostly always new illusions than, and then you meet emotionally seen still not mature enough partners for you, they fall in love with you; but you inbetween lost your own best match.     Then come new long term connections and practical requirements, you cannot live up to because you are busy with other things.

 

 

 

The real problem to get out of all these situations, there is not able to talk about it.

 

 

 

People are not brought up to understand the whole philosophical image.. Reasoning in terms of ' good ' and ' bad ' and ' victim ' is the easiest way to guide your live with clear rules on what can and cannot be done.

 

 

 

Trying to understand the genetic and emotional energy of people it is much more difficult.

 

 

 

Getting rid of an excess of  heavy emotions or damage incurred from the past, is a requirement if you want to survive in the worl of love. Eventually one learns to know the difference between emotional love and intuitive love on the one hand and on the other hand, your own inner communication. Too much suffering makes people sick.

 

 

 

The ' life forces ' you yourself, use all those forces or illussions for a number of motives, to show that everything in the universe lives ... except people who are not yet in their own force".

 

 

 

Sophie had not said it to him, but the words and presence of Sitt woke in her the desire which she had had.     The passion of poets and philosophers.                                                                                                 42

 

 

 

She found the most beautiful relationships were the faithfull ones.  . She knew that women got faster emotionally out of balance but also that men whose wife found someone else attractive, at those times in a first phase, totally could lose their balance. From personal experience, she knew that it was better to stay where she was, and yet also that situation became untenable. Well-intentioned triangles, they are generous attempt to show a way out to without stopping  each other's family life... or  is one much better off if one stays true in spite of everything ? The fact is that certain people, whether parents or children are, not really made a whole life to spend with each other.

 

 

 

What is ' infidelity ' actually ... is that really the cause of all that irreconcilable tensions between people ... with dire consequences ... or is it just an excuse that people use  if something is no more between them. The real reasons of ' infidelity ' are perhaps  having to do with differences in ' feeling ' in the mind between people popping up ... and that differences arising then translate to the body and so on. Because all this is so difficult to express to the other you get that feeling that the sexual good lovemaking of earlier is replaced by a kind of ‘mating’ ritual.  Everything is even more harder because kids don't know what's going on in the minds of adults.

 

 

 

It's all part of life, she thought”, while she and Sitt sat a time silently, they ate the fruit he got for her.

 

 

 

44

 

 

 

Someone from the bus company where Sophie traveled with, said that the bus would leave within an hour.         As people sometimes do when they have had a really good conversation with people they didn't know ,Sophie gave her phone number and mail address and Sitt Sitt gave his email and address anda  mail address of a spiritual friend in Europe.

 

 

 

She walked with him from under the shady tree. Sit ttalked to some people of her group. Sitt asked how Europe was and told what practical things about life in North America. He could  speak about the beauty and power of nature and the practical life of his countrymen and had sharp criticism of the foreign policy of the United States.  "If  all that money they have wasted the last 100 years to armament, had being used to eradicate poverty, then there was no unemployment in the world, and then we were already a whole lot further".

 

 

 

Sitt and Sophie said farewell and promised to write. They gave each other a hand and a little kiss .                    But they carried with them the wealth of wisdom in those words that they had exchanged  ... and especially the unforgettable memory of his and her hand and his and her mouth, skin ... body ... all those things that are also a key part of each other's memory of each other's being.

 

If you know Dutch, go to  http://achjadeliefde.skynetblogs.be/archive/2012/06/08/d-ach-ja-de-liefde.html  

 

 

 

Than start scroll too :

 

Deel 3. Met welke woorden zal ik onze zielen verblijden

Then go to :  http://achjadeliefde.skynetblogs.be/archive/2012/06/08/e-astraal.html

 

 

E.ASTRA NOVA

 

1. the core.

 

 A man and a woman together, experience high literary dimmensies on internet, after brief encounters in childhood, to have lost sight of each other. Both already have a very eventful life behind them.        It looks like it can only succeed ... but not in the way that they had thought during the summer months moved in 2006.

 

 

 

My Crystal scales

 

 

 

It is a scale that I have with me from young age. Honesty in front of myself and others, growing analytical skills and good intentions past on by centuries throug human and other building materials.

 

 

 

Materials such as forms of ' cunningness’, didn’ fit in that scheme,because they serve a lesser dimmensie. Daily I protect my crystal structure against those who don’t know the actual value of light and Crystal any more. If you confront them with weighing the meaning of life in truth  they are seemingly against you. Against them you do not have o start with metaphors about music and orgasms. The antennas of the scales are constantly looking for high-quality signals ... amid the apparent chaos in life. Who can read the results of the crystal dish on the moments that body and mind are stable, ... understands the apparent chaos around him. You see, how finer the reader, the more must surmount myself, I like to speak or write the things out ... otherwise they get stuck in oneself and towards other people. Supposedly showering and waiting for the explanation of the night and the morning ... or on your invitation to the next form of the using the iron while it is hot to do.

 

 

 

If you have a particular idea and you make a note of it short and then you write something about ... constantly while you do that, you evolve your idea to the next step .From my youth I often  have the feeling ' something is not right here '.

 

 

 

For example, "on Sundays end the sixties and longer, for some idiotic measure of the EEC customs no red berries be entered Germany and we had to hide them among the strawberries on the kamion '.

 

 

 

Also in the catechism for the first and solemn communion the priest send me out of church for my remarks;me, his altar boy still outside because of his observations on  the bibical creation story.

 

 

 

I quite fast understand  when something is not right and if you want to make adjustments  you often quick amok ... so we adapt quite often to another not to worry or not to throw into ‘confusion’. Sometimes you do not insist on change of someone in your environment because he or she is not ready for it or has become too old for it  or whatever. A few examples: our Foundation that helt an info evening on the current wars in the world ... you can still wait a long time while nobody takes initiative, so you should do it yourself ... If there is already someone waiting for you will say.

 

 

 

Jiny:

 

 

 

With him there seems to be a contradictory undertone that he has not yet chosen for this relationship, he is afraid that he will be allowed to have her for himself, he thinks her husband her will never let go, that he is too honest and its so, that he will lose by its philosophical edges, too far on her for isnot for himself, that he may want to her because he wants to help humanity a step forward. She knows that her life has become better since he has come, and he is still difficult, although the relationship at the moment for her sometimes tiring by the deep emotional, spiritual exchanges, but which she knows she really desires here. For its part, she is rather afraid that if you choose, freedom for something e.g., that also means that you do not choose for something else, eg. prefer and love someone you above all others, and she thinks that the conscious choice of and honesty together is that you so freely together.

 

 

 

They know very sure they never even after her marriage to be "possessed" by someone in the literal sense of the word, but she is apparently stuck in the romanticized image of a relationship. At her age it would be good to evolve to a more realistic picture, where they trust the man who loves her and her playful, although at times severe, companionship, longs for her laughter and her tender arms, and therefore nearly forced other candidates will go be fobbed off. Because they know in sensual, and their bodies to lend very well together here, is there much chance that it will still be good, and that they will be attracted by each other again as magnets. As their relationship deepens, he will continue as time passes on the 32, 84 or 183 (IM) patiently wait go on her return home, and her passionate but sweet to leave alone come out of her trips in the outside world. Actually she sees a pied-de-stable now be but would rather not with a cool frog that but keep thinking if they can remain seated properly and for all there now. Secretly she loves the certainty to be able to retain its first place. We can only endorse this as normal. Only the strongest of us, with a place at the foot of the mountain also satisfied.

 

 

 

They should especially not stifle himself by now already impose all kinds of restrictions to go very probably caused by ingrained separation anxiety (I leave you before you will leave me) and learned dependence in a relationship. They are a quick obnoxious guys drag the muddy pond too deep ground, after a short-lived pril, but ecstatic beginning. It is regrettable though extreme emotions in these relationship in accelerated pace have occurred, and it is a mystery how they will deal with it both here. They leave from a different scheme of both experiences and settings, and can so see quite a lot of each other's point of view. As long as they keep their openness, they can attract each other maybe out of the swamp, and welcoming their babbel-pic-nic at the banks continue, the strings carefully tenacious for their stability. Let us hope that they, by the time of the last chapter, found in quiet, deep and close connection under the sunlight that scarce by the tallest trees of their Paradise falls, and of which the rays their aura's light up.

 

 

 

They suspect yet how really nice and deep their relationship is. If they continue to think that they sent to each other but are, to their trust and their ideas about earthly matters like emotional and sexual intimacy with others to test in their search for each other, and gradually allow more afleidingsmanoeuvers, not too much because it's them also of the larger goals in their life will take off, and their focused attention on the energy they produce beautiful together, and the beautiful things this will may be realized (e.g., political speeches or poems are of exceptional quality, its writers talent that comes up when she writes to him for eyes) will shatter. Unless them together, after long discussions with God and the devil, deciding that there can be made even more beautiful energy if others also be allowed to enjoy the promised Land, and that none of them will suffer the emotional pain that private-with-his-couple-country than to have to stand off a bit to other emotional-hunger-afflicted. It will remain an open question whether this ground their pond deeper and richer in fauna and flora, or less deep. "

 

The light in the pond

 

 

 

------------------------------

 

 

 

I've been several times to the limits of the human carrying capacity in a relationship.

 

 

 

Hercules carried the world on his shoulders, I have also done for too long. Not only the philosophical explanation for how everything from radiation to  evolved and how we best respond to what goes through our mind. A man like me was time and again faced with; let me focus on the women, in no particular  won't continue in chronological order, or the sake of clarity, not in my family: abortion and regret it afterwards, a by the husband always poponed child finaly with another man informed the child the child, incest, enter into a relationship for  the pennies, regret having a one-night stand, regret having tricked a man without many flaws to have  and wanting someone like him back. I have have never judged these people ' men neither women, never condemned themin terms of good and evil, apart from the peodo's and the too lustfull sexjunks, but assessed them  in terms of what kind of energy they carried with them for generations through changing situations.  I think in terms of what positive and negative effects that certain contents and situations and act can cause. Often there is a kind of predestination factor involved, because of what I call ‘ancestral telepathy’ (see article)

 

 

 

Yesterday evening it seemed to me is certain that no one really can bring them the happiness  which they desire in the long term.  I wrote seemed so. Time will tell.

 

 

 

As our man goes to a good friend or our wife to a good friend, we are depending on the genetics, experience and wisdom no  ' restless '. If anyone climbs over our fence, we call the police and if they come with many across the border we put the army in ..(.in the 21st century armies come even before anyone comes across the border) (which of course is not specifically allocated to that century is ... always there is someone like first). The material war, there are economic mismatches at the base ... but also our small and big greed. The war for love runs on being afraid and losing self-esteem because one thinks that somerival wil be better : sexual, emotional and even spiritual.

 

 

 

Still applies here my philosophical principle:  something thatt wants to become less than or equal to zero can not exist in physics, we don’t want to be not nobody ... or we get mad, explode at psychological tensions.And what is even more important, we want OUR genes to florish, (maybe there is an anti-matter struggle going on to come back on earth, haha. Prefering someone too someone else, ok, nice; but why doesn’t it work always, even when it clicks in both directions ? Because a number of reasons that are connected to the total past of someone’s own background, (influenced by ancestral telepathy)…often way to much on both partners. In one body can live a number of different ancestral energies that in order to feel good must unite into one’s personality.

 

Dear Readers

 

 

 

This morning I thought, I’ll wright something about our  casula meeting with three.. I'm not going to have it much about whether true or false or  with whom Platonic or not.  My ulsers want me to stay cool and relax.

 

It was not a meeting like you experience a lot, dear ladies.  I hope you have an understanding for each other.

 

A number of people had to experience a lot of depths and hights with their lovers in order to understand them and their situation.

 

Given my background of one and a half years to have shared my (our) house with my ex-wife and her new husband, for me it was a more normal situation. In that case at that time, neither yesterday, it was my intention to experiment with free love. In those days that would have let quickly to a crash to fast at that time after my divorce  and then we had not have lived one and a half years as good neighbours. In fact I went to the city more for reasons of political actions to flee, (but ala because the new couple wanted more space on their own, let’s not go to deep into this.  The reasons are  too private to tell.

 

 

 

Life is often described as a learning experience and that it is in fact too. From my experiences, I see my for the outside world failed marriage for myself as a first step towards expansion of consciousness. I had afterwards also had to deal with resentment feelings or selfpity or confusion in my head . Nothing guarantees a everlasting happiness.

 

 People can have an intimate, spiritual bond with each other; and even more, but one must get mature even more if one wants also a ‘biological’ relationship. The more rest you can create in yourself and with the other, the more different experience and satisfaction that one finds between each other. In some periods or in some people more than others perhaps there is a huge need for physical discharge present ... the electricity chases then sometimes on a millisecond through your body without taken off one garment , the sorts where the energy comes from open. What resorts? Sometimes that of an experience where one or both partners are emotionally depressed.. Sometimes from an intensely fine well-being with each other ... pure presence for each other. Sometimes from a kind of purely instinktieve greed. Sometimes healthy and fun fantasies involved ... other kinds of fantasy can harm not only the ridiculous ones or degenerated ones themselves, they are not a healing way to get in touch with your partner.  Sometimes lovemaking becomes a boring, mechanically ritual (permanent or not)ment ... to satisfy the other and that’s it then ... the beginning of tensions often.Wasted Love Making.

 

 

 

 From positive emotions, love and especially ' presence ', spiced with a primal feeling ... that are all good  ingredients to put everything back in your body to stream ... your mind is there then, as after a good shower, and one stays hyper concentrated in everything one does.  Some need it, some maybe don't ... but it is certainly healthier than pills and complaining ... but don’t let it put negative emotions in action or do not start longing for t like a sex junkie.

 

 

 

So. That's okay for now.I have to also write about other things. Which? They will be presenting themselves.

 

 

 

LOMEM LOVEMAKING (emotional) + or-

 

 

 

LOM FY "(mechanical)

 

 

 

LOM PRE "(movies) (only on the waves of being and feeling)

 

 

 

LOMFA "(fantasy) + or-

 

 

 

LOMINS "(instit

 

 

 


 
 

 

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